


Drown in Ashes

by veivei



Series: Drown in Ashes [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Afterlife, Angst, Dark, Dubious Consent, M/M, Murder, Post-Ketsu, Post-Series, Rape/Non-con Elements, Revenge, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-17 15:01:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10596447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veivei/pseuds/veivei
Summary: Shizuo kills Izaya in their final fight but after his death Izaya is offered a chance to come back and try again. The fallout will be very different from what he might have expected. Dark.  Complete.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this prompt from the DRRR Kink Meme (but doesn't follow it exactly at all): http://drrrkink.livejournal.com/7084.html?thread=27070636#t27070636

Cherry trees were in full bloom. It brought back a distant memory but it was buried so deep he couldn’t quite comprehend what it had been about.

The pain was gone when he hauled himself up from the ground. A bloody imprint was left behind on the grass. Falling cherry petals floated on the surface of puddles of blood. 

He was pretty certain he was no longer alive, not after having heard the sound of his own neck snapping. Whatever was beyond death, that was it. 

A long black shadow stretched at his feet.

“So, you’re actually here.” 

He looked up.

The Dullahan stood by his side, wrapped in her shadows, with her head under her arm.

“Does it mean…?” He started asking but was interrupted by the sound of steps at his other side.

“Have you died too, Orihara-san?” Mikado asked, his hand touching the side of his head tentatively.

“Shizuo killed him.” The Dullahan’s head spoke up.

“Is this what’s after?” Mikado’s hand dropped to his side. He could still hear the final shot echoing in his ears. “Why is Orihara-san here with me?”

“In this place, nothing happens without a reason.” The Dullahan’s head said. “We’re here because it’s our fault things played out the way they had. All three of us.”

“Are you dead too, then?” Mikado asked her.

“She is not dead.” Izaya spoke up. “Look there.” He pointed towards the horizon but Mikado could not see anything there. “That is Valhalla, just the way I imagined it.”

“Only you can see it, though.” The Dullahan pointed out. “If you think you can go there, that is not what’s going to happen either.” An endlessly deep gorge opened at their feet without a single sound. “If you think you can become an Einherjar by committing all these unhonourable acts, you are sorely mistaken. You might have died in battle but you’re not a warrior. While we’re here, I know everything about what you did, Izaya.”

Izaya shrugged.

“Too bad. At least I gave it a try. And Shizu-chan still ended up murdering me in front of all these people. So it’s over for him, too. He’s nothing but a blood-thirsty monster now.”

“That is not true.” The Dullahan said calmly. “And you know that well enough yourself. You forced his hand.” 

“What did you do, Orihara-san?” Mikado asked.

“I crossed the line, I guess.” Izaya’s answer startled Mikado. “I killed someone with my own hands for the first time.”

“I crossed a line, too, I guess.” Mikado spoke softly. “I shot my best friend. I shot Masaomi. And then I killed myself.” 

“What happens now?” Izaya addressed the Dullahan.

“Nothing happens now. It’s over when you die.” She answered.

“What do you mean? Over?” Mikado asked uncertainly, looking around at the cherry trees in full bloom, stretching endlessly all around them.

“This is your punishment, Mikado. It hits precisely where it hurts the most. Nothing will ever happen again.” The head explained in an emotionless voice. “You hurt Masaomi and Anri and your parents terribly in your search for excitement. So this is how it ends for you.”

“Anri?” Mikado sounded alarmed. “What happened to her?” 

“She was hurt by someone you could have stopped if you were still alive.” The Dullahan said. “For now, Izaya will stay here with you. But he will leave. Sooner or later, like all the people whom he helped to make the decision to end their lives, he will jump.” She motioned her gloved hand towards the gorge at their feet. “You should be able to imagine what is down below. That is the punishment for trying to trick one’s way into the Valhalla. The Valhalla will call him but there will be no bridge to cross over the pits of Hell for the likes of him.”

“Great, so I’m the villain here.” Izaya sounded quite proud. “Mikado-kun’s just stuck in purgatory. But the remaining question is: what happens to you, Dullahan?”

“If I haven’t lost my head and met you all in Tokyo, none of this would have happened.” The head answered. “My former life with all of you is lost. Unless...” Her voice drifted off.

“Unless?” Izaya pressed.

“Unless you try again and the outcome is different.” She spoke at last. “This is not a chance that everyone gets. But I can give it to you because of my influence having changed the outcome you might have otherwise had.”

“A chance?” Mikado asked uncertainly.

“I can send you back to the moment before your death.” The head stated. “But if you fail to stop yourself from dying, you will die again. Every consecutive death is worse than the previous one. More painful and more frightening. The memory of the pain, with time, will make you unwilling to go back anymore. But if you manage to turn things around, you get to go on living.” She explained.

“Since I killed myself, I can just not do it the next time around…” Mikado mused.

“No, it’s not that simple. But you can try.”

“I will try.” Mikado decided.

His body flickered and a moment later he was back, on his knees, gasping for breath.

“You brought me back…” He whispered. “...to the moment after I had already pulled the trigger...”

A bloody mist hovered in the air next to his head before falling to the ground along with the falling petals.

“You could have still been saved.” The Dullahan said. “If Izaya wasn’t killed and Shizuo wasn’t stopped, he would have helped Shinra restore me to my previous state and I could have stopped that bullet. But the turn of events that starts with Izaya dying always ends with you two here.”

“What’s the point, Dullahan?” Izaya asked. “Why would you save someone who has already pulled the trigger and chose to die?”

“Because him choosing to die was my fault.” The head said.

“So…” Izaya mused. “The two of us are apparently the only ones whose death you’re blaming yourself for. That may mean I didn’t actually kill Vorona.”

“If you have actually succeeded at killing someone, you would have already been down below. And there would have been nothing I could have done about that.”

“Does that mean Shizuo goes to Hell for killing me, too?” Izaya asked, smirking.

“I don’t know that.” The head said. “And you will never know that, either.” 

“Either way, I’m fine with what happened.” Izaya smiled. “Sorry, Mikado. You will have to cope with just being dead. And I’m not really sorry, of course.”

“That is not true.” The Dullahan spoke up. “Even for you and Shizuo, that was not the only possible ending.”

“Obviously. But I wanted him to kill me. And I succeeded.” Izaya said.

“Because you thought if you died in battle in the presence of a Valkyrie, you could go to Valhalla and continue toying with people’s lives for eternity in there.” She pointed out. “But that is not how it works. And you didn’t even believe it could have actually been true yourself.” 

“Of course.” Izaya shrugged. “But it was a good story to leave behind. In fact, I thought I’d just disappear when I die. This here is bullshit. Especially him being here.” He pointed to Mikado. “He killed himself. But I’m afraid it was just to escape an unfortunate moment if he’s ready to go back already. Frankly, I’m disappointed in you, Mikado-kun.”

“I am just ready to take whatever it takes over nothing ever happening to me again.” Mikado replied seriously.

“But that was a distinct possibility when you pulled the trigger. Did you just assume what was on the other side was full of excitement?” Izaya mocked him. “And no, you cannot force me to help you. Not when we’re both already dead and I’m going to Hell anyway. This is it for you, Mikado-kun. And whatever happens to your Anri-chan, you should have thought about that before you killed yourself.”

“Send me back again.” Mikado demanded of the Dullahan.

“There is no point, Mikado.” She opposed. “Unless you both go. There’s nothing else that can save you at this point.”

“So that is the actual reason why we’re here together.” Izaya observed. “You’re trying to redeem yourself, Dullahan. What made you think I will help you two? Is this display here to scare me?” He pointed to the gorge. “Do you honestly think I can’t face up to being a bad person?”

“It’s just that you’re here for a reason.” The head said. “You know what this place is, don’t you, Izaya?”

“It’s just a random place. Someone’s idea of an afterlife.” Izaya shrugged.

“I know everything.” She reminded.

“Then you should know I forgot all about it.” He said. “If you send me back, will it be to the moment right before my death? After I already tried to kill Vorona?”

“Yes.” The head confirmed.

“You do realize that is the point of no return. Shizuo will kill me anyway.”

“I won’t force you to go back there.” She said.

“But I will do it once, just to get to know how it feels to come back to life.”

And just like that, he was back. Back to the taste of blood in his mouth, his ragged breath, body hurting all over, ruined arms and the sting of the knife buried deep in his side. 

The knife that he had thrown at Vorona had just hit the side of her neck, blood spraying from the wound. She shot him but missed his vital organs. The bullet ripped through his shoulder instead. 

Shizuo hauled the vending machine up but then he put it back down, took the few steps that separated them, his eyes no longer human. He wrapped his hand around Izaya’s neck and yanked him up off the ground. Then he squeezed.

Izaya’s neck snapped like a twig with a sickening sound echoing through the very center of his being. 

Then it was all over again.

And he was back. In a puddle of blood on the ground under the blooming sakura trees.

He started laughing as soon as he sat up.

“Like I told you: there’s nothing I can do, Mikado-kun.” He spoke at last, the memory of his second death settling inside him like a dark weight. “Shizuo’s so far gone by that point that he’s really no longer human.”

The spray of blood in the air reminded him of Mikado’s plight of being connected to him now. The boy was on the ground, clutching his head and moaning in pain.

“I am not doing this again.” Izaya said seriously. “I savoured the moment enough for my liking.” He touched his neck tentatively. “I appreciate it he didn’t actually crush me with a vending machine though.”

After a long while of silence, Mikado straightened up and spoke.

“Do you know what this place is, Orihara-san?” He asked. “And what happened here?”

“It’s just a random place, Mikado-kun. A place I forgot about because it’s nothing special. It’s here only so you can spend the rest of eternity dealing with it.” Izaya answered coldly.

“Sakura trees aren’t in bloom everyday.” Mikado pointed out. “If you went to see that, why would you forget about it?” 

“Just because, Mikado-kun. Dullahan, will you stay here with us, too?”

“I will leave.” She answered. “When you abandon hope.”

“Then you being here means we still have it?” Izaya asked. “Get over with it already, Mikado-kun.”

“Can Orihara-san really change what happened?” Mikado demanded.

“Possibly.” The head answered. 

“It’s nice you think so highly of my skill, Dullahan, but Shizu-chan won’t be sparing my life no matter what I tell him. Not after I’ve  hurt someone like that right in front of him.” Izaya said. “Even if he were not close with her, which he was. And anyway, I did what I did for a reason, unlike Mikado-kun here who just randomly took his life and now wants it back.”

“I did not do it randomly, Orihara-san.” Mikado responded calmly. “I wanted to see what was on the other side. Now that I know…”

“I don’t think you would have been allowed to keep that memory.” Izaya pointed out.

“I would have stuck to it with all my might and believed that I could.” Mikado said with a smile. “Before I did it, Masaomi-kun said you were surely behind what I was doing, Orihara-san. Turns out he was actually right. You do have influence over my death now.”

“Too bad, right? Because I won’t change what happened. And you will be stuck here regardless of what you may want.”

“But, that may actually be preferable to going to Hell.” Mikado pointed out. “Have you been there?” He asked the Dullahan.

“I can’t answer that question.” The head said.

“I’m a bad person though, Mikado-kun.” Izaya sighed. “I will end up down there anyway. And I don’t need that show the two of you are putting on.”

He walked to the edge of the gorge. The abyss down below which he suspected of being just nothingness turned out to be dark and threatening when he got closer to it, full of voices and full of pain. When he looked up he could still see the Valhalla hovering on the horizon.

“There is always hope as long as you’re not down there.” The Dullahan spoke up. “Though if you don’t deserve hope, you will jump. Because you will know that.”

Izaya turned around from the edge.

“I’ll tell you what this place is first, Mikado-kun.” He said. “So you'll have something to ponder for the rest of your stay here. You are stuck in a place where I made a big mistake when I was your age or about that. That might be a bit much for your little boy’s mind to handle but once, and I mean just once, me and Shizu-chan actually got quite friendly with each other. If you know what I mean. I was sleeping with a guy from the yakuza at the time to use his influence for my own end goals. And I was just a confused brat back then, just like you are now, just smarter. Obviously. And I let Shizu-chan fuck me. I’m glad he didn’t rip me to shreds while at it. And the next day we were back to hating each other’s guts. That is all there is to it. He would kill me faster than I can blink if I tried to remind him he ever did that to me. If that is what you think I should do by having this place appear here, you’re just wrong. And that’s it. Goodbye.” 

Mikado’s grip stalled his free fall backwards.

The darkness from down below reached up for him hungrily.

“In the real world, there is no way I would have been able to catch you.” Mikado pointed out, holding onto his hand. “You know what that means, Orihara-san. You don’t really want to go yet.”

Izaya grimaced.

“So you and Heiwajima-san didn’t always hate each other so badly…”

“I don’t care what you think.” Izaya hissed through clenched teeth. “A brat like you will never understand it. I will go back one more time. Just so you don’t get the wrong idea.”

Mikado smiled looking down at him.

And just like that, he was back. Back to the taste of blood in his mouth, his ragged breath, body hurting all over, ruined arms and the sting of the knife buried deep in his side. 

The knife that he had thrown at Vorona had just hit the side of her neck, blood spraying from the wound. She shot him but missed his vital organs. The bullet ripped through his shoulder instead. 

Shizuo hauled the vending machine up but then he put it back down, took the few steps that separated them, his eyes no longer human. 

“Shizu-chan…” Izaya whispered, blood trickling down from his mouth. The Dullahan was right, the pain was worse every consecutive time he did that. “It hurts.”

His whisper, barely louder than his breath, nonetheless reached Shizuo’s ears.

But Shizuo had no interest in Izaya’s whining. He needed to get to Vorona. But not before he got rid of Izaya once and for all.

He wrapped his hand around Izaya’s neck and yanked him up from the ground. 

Izaya braced himself for the pain of having his neck broken but instead he felt his body being dropped to the ground as if it burned Shizuo’s hand.

Another stun grenade exploded nearby, blinding everyone around. 

A single pale pink petal landed in a puddle of blood right in front of his eyes. For a moment he thought he was already on the other side. But the pain not ending reminded him that he was actually still alive.

The Dullahan made a fool out of him. 

He tried to clench his fist but that was the extent of what he could do. Then he blacked out.


	2. Chapter 2

It was during one of their mad chases through the city that they ended up at the edge of the park during sakura bloom.

“We can’t fight here, Shizu-chan.” Izaya pointed out, nonetheless keeping his knife drawn and ready to strike when he let Shizuo approach. “We’ll ruin this place.”

The park was full of people: families, couples, the elderly walking by and having picnics under the trees.

“Since when do you care?” Shizuo grumbled, clenching his fists.

“I’m not some heartless monster, Shizu-chan. You just never hear me out.”

“I’ll let you go this time, so the people here can have a nice time.” Shizuo turned around and started walking away.

“Let’s go there together.” Izaya offered, pocketing his knife.

Shizuo looked at him quizzically over his shoulder.

“It’s been awhile since I last went to see the cherry blossoms.” Izaya mused, walking into the park.

He was actually startled by the sound of Shizuo’s steps by his side.

“Not exactly a place for the two of us to be together though, don’t you think?” Izaya remarked after a while, looking around the park that was full of families and couples. “Two high school boys don’t really go to such places together.”

Shizuo stared at his feet, the fallen petals sticking to his shoes.

“It’s quite romantic, isn’t it?” Izaya said, looking at a couple kissing under a cherry tree. “We should take some girls here. Or at least I should do that because you can’t pick up any, for obvious reasons.”

“Don’t push your luck.” Shizuo grumbled.

“I’m not afraid of you.” Izaya smiled. “And that is what gets you, isn’t it? Even if you were to kill me, I would be alright with it.” He said seriously.

“That’s good, Izaya-kun. Because I’m going to kill you.”

“If I were you I wouldn’t be so sure it would be you who gets to do that. You’re not the only one who wants me dead.”

Shizuo grimaced.

“Aren’t you getting possessive to an unhealthy degree, Shizu-chan?” Izaya mocked him. “I love you, too.”

Suddenly he was in Shizuo’s face, climbing up to his toes to press a kiss to Shizuo’s lips.

“That’s better. At least we look like a couple now, not a pair of schoolboys who got lost.” He murmured into Shizuo’s chest.

Shizuo’s body tensed with the urge to pry Izaya off and sent him flying away as far as he could but he stopped himself, truly not wanting to ruin the day for everyone around.

“You’re sick.” He resolved to whispering in a disgusted voice.

“Obviously. No sane person would ever kiss you, Shizu-chan.” 

Izaya kissed him again, prying his lips open this time around. A tide of unfamiliar feelings ran through Shizuo’s body. He pushed Izaya away, careful not to apply excess force.

“I hope it was not your first kiss. Because that would have been just…” Izaya licked his lips. “...miserable. But at least the location is perfect.”

What Izaya hadn’t exactly predicted was that Shizuo’s emotions were really unstoppable. Once properly set in motion, there was nearly nothing he or anyone else could do to just stop.

“What…” Izaya whispered before he was engulfed in a crushing embrace and kissed desperately, hungrily. Not exactly kissed, more like devoured.

“We should go.” He said when Shizuo let him breathe again. “You’re making a scene.”

The sight of Izaya’s flushed face made Shizuo feel weird. But he forced himself to actually listen to him. They left the park in silence.

“So, Shizu-chan. My place or yours?” Izaya asked when they were a safe distance away from the park.

Izaya wasn’t sure himself if he meant it as an insult or an actual invitation. He expected a fight to break out between them again rather than for Shizuo to go along with it. 

It was a bad idea anyway.

But Izaya’s teenage body was actually quite intrigued by the intensity of what had happened, the kind of which he had never experienced before.

Since there was no answer from Shizuo whatsoever, he headed home.

Shizuo followed him, for once without an intent to hurt him. Or at least not hurt him in their usual way.

Izaya opened the door and let Shizuo in.

He opened his mouth to say something but as soon as the door closed behind them, he was pressed against it and kissed again. A prying hand removed the knife from his pocket and threw it a safe distance away.

“Smart move, Shizu-chan.” He commented.

He wasn’t sure if the vulnerability he felt being stripped of his weapon was a bad or a good feeling.

A hand closed around his throat applying just a slight pressure.

“Shut up.”

“Make me. Do you even know what you’re doing?” Izaya asked when he was turned around and pressed against the door.

The painful bite on the back of his neck silenced him.

Shizuo’s hand unzipped his pants impatiently and wrapped itself around his erection. Izaya felt precum dripping from his tip and for a fleeting moment was actually embarrassed about how hard he was already.

Then he realized Shizuo’s pants were damp when he pressed himself to his bare backside.

“You’re done already, Shizu-chan?”

Shizuo fumbled with unzipping his pants. Even though he had already come, he was hard anyway, his erection burrowing itself between Izaya’s buttocks.

The door’s hinges creaked under the pressure of their bodies and Izaya winced imagining what a terrible idea it was to let himself be fucked right there by a monster like Shizuo.

“I have a bed, you know.” He offered.

Shizuo actually let him go.

Izaya reached down to disentangle his legs from his pants. Then he looked up.

Shizuo with his tousled blond hair and eyes clouded with desire was quite a sight. 

The searing pain Izaya felt when Shizuo just forced himself inside him from behind in one move as soon as they reached the bed was unimaginably bad. 

“Shizu-chan, damn it.” 

It got worse when Shizuo started to move. Worse than anything Izaya had ever felt before. He saw his knuckles whiten as they clenched the sheets as if they did not even belong to him.

“It hurts…” He whimpered.

“I don’t care, Izaya-kun.” 

The blood trickling down Izaya’s legs served as the lubricant that allowed him to move without inflicting pain on himself. 

Izaya thanked whatever gods there were that it took just a few thrusts for Shizuo to come. 

After it was over, he fell down on the bed in a miserable, bleeding mess.

Shizuo got up, zipped up his pants, took one last look and left, the door closing behind him with a thud.

And that was it. 

Izaya held back from crying even though there was no longer anyone around who could see him.

The hate Shizuo felt for himself for having lost control like that was unimaginable. But he was glad that it was Izaya of all people who was on the other end.

Izaya took a long time to pick himself up off the bed and clean the place up. Whatever damage he had suffered thankfully turned out not be permanent.

The memory of that pain always lingered when he was with other men since then, though. In that way, Shizuo lodged himself into the deepest layers of his being. There was a reason cherry blossoms surrounded him after his death. And he knew it all along.

And there was also a reason why he didn’t want Shizuo’s mercy to be the reason he got to live.


	3. Chapter 3

When Izaya woke up in the car with Manami and Kine, he was no longer sure what had actually happened and what might have been his mind playing tricks on him while he was unconscious. 

The pain he felt from his injuries wasn’t actually so bad. It was like nothing compared to the second time he had been dying.

He looked down and noticed the shadows sealing the stab wound in his side. 

The Dullahan. Repairing the damage she had caused. And undoing what he chose to happen, while at it.

He closed his eyes after asking to be taken to an underground doctor far away from Tokyo. Definitely not Shinra, not this time.

\---

Izaya blinked, confused, when he opened his eyes to see the cherry blossom branches over his head, the sky clear and perfectly blue behind them.

Then he realized he was not back to the same moment. 

There was no blood on the ground around him this time around. The gorge leading down to Hell had closed as if it had never been there and along with it, the Valhalla was also gone from the horizon. The Dullahan’s shadow was no longer there either.

“What happened?” He asked, noticing Mikado still there.

“I don’t know. You might not have survived your injuries.” Mikado ventured a guess. “It’s been awhile since you’ve been gone.” 

Izaya realized Mikado had changed in that time. His eyes were empty and his voice was cold.

“Why are you still here?” Izaya asked, looking around for the Dullahan.

She was nowhere to be found.

“Whatever you did to change the course of events, Celty-san was still too late to stop the bullet for me.” Mikado closed his eyes and grimaced. “I have still killed myself. For the fourth time.”

The meaning of what he had said hung heavily in the air between them. What made it even worse for Mikado was that this time around he could have actually felt Celty’s shadow approaching to save him. But then his brain had exploded anyway before it could reach him.

“I have been here for a while now, Orihara-san.” Mikado opened his eyes and spoke up. “I had a lot of time to pry into that memory of yours I am stuck in. I now know what’s it all about. Heiwajima-san raped you.”

“That’s not what happened.” Izaya spoke up after a long while of silence. “I chose that to happen. I got too close to a monster. I was just foolish like you.”

“I didn’t choose to be a part of it all, though.” Mikado pointed out. “To be tortured with it without an end in sight.”

Then they both felt it. The pull taking Izaya’s body away and back to the world of the living, bit by bit.

“You will live. And I will be left here.” Mikado observed spitefully. “And this is no proper afterlife. It’s a memory of yours. You know what I will become now, right? You can imagine. A vengeful spirit.”

“It will do you no good to be vengeful, Mikado-kun.” 

“But at least I will make you suffer. You were supposed to save me, too.” He cried.

Mikado’s hand reached out for Izaya, suddenly equipped with claws, but he could no longer grasp Izaya’s body which was gradually disappearing from his realm.

“I will curse you.” Mikado’s voice was now coming from far away. “My curse is that every time you die at someone’s hand or kill yourself you will be brought back to life as many times as it takes for you to change the course of events… And you know what that means. Or you’ll just get stuck dying forever.”

“Not to be snide, Mikado-kun…” Izaya interrupted him. “...but that is easy enough to circumvent by just living a peaceful life and dying of natural causes.”

“You will not get to live a peaceful life, though. Not for as long as I am stuck here. And wherever you may hide, I’m hopeful that Masaomi will find you. He blames you for everything that happened and with both me and Anri gone, there is nothing holding him back now.”

\---

Izaya opened his eyes, coughing around the intubation tube until it was swiftly taken out.

He realized the pain of his injuries was now nicely dulled by a cocktail of drugs coursing through his veins from the drip. 

He was quite disturbed by the vision he had just had, though.

He wondered if it was true that Mikado hadn’t survived. 

If it were true, the Mikado he’d seen was right. Masaomi had probably sworn to avenge his death and whatever it was that had happened to Saika, blaming it on Izaya like everything that had ever happened to him. 

But Masaomi was just a kid. At least for now.

“You will survive, Orihara-san.” A doctor he didn’t know appeared by his side. “But the level of your future disability is something we can’t determine for now.” 

Izaya looked down at his arms lying uselessly on the white sheets, covered in bandages from the wrist to the armpit. Only then did he realize he could not feel his legs at all.

“I want your hopes to be reasonable.” The doctor said. 

Izaya tried nodding before drifting out of consciousness.


	4. Chapter 4

Mikado’s funeral was held in Tokyo. It turned out his family had originally hailed from there before moving to Saitama and his family grave was in the city. The ceremony had an air of strangeness about it. The crowds of Raira Academy students that were attending were more concerned with the crazy rumors being passed around than with what was actually happening. 

Kida took care to hide from Mikado’s parents because he couldn’t bear to face them after what had happened. Hiding in the crowd, he was observing the people attending. There were several whom he wasn’t exactly happy about being there but one group rubbed him the wrong way in particular. Orihara sisters and Kuronuma Aoba. 

He cornered them in front of the shrine where the funeral had taken place, having sent Saki on her way first.

“What are you doing here?” 

Aoba smiled politely at him.

“What kind of a greeting is that, Kida-senpai?” He asked. “A lot of the students from our school are here today, obviously, to pay our respects to Ryuugamine-senpai.”

“Because it’s terrible that he killed himself.” Mairu said.

“Terrible.” Kururi echoed.

“If that is even what actually happened.” Aoba mused. “After all, the last time I saw Ryuugamine-senpai he went to look for his best friend. And then he ended up dead.”

“Could he have been murdered?” Mairu gasped. “Who was that friend anyway, Aocchi?”

“I’ll tell you later, Mairu. Girls, if you excuse us, I guess me and Kida-senpai need to talk alone for a minute.”

“Fine. But don’t forget to tell us who it was.” Mairu and Kururi smiled at Aoba and left holding hands.

“You have quite the nerve to show yourself here.” Kida growled.

“The very same can be said of you, Kida-senpai. I’ve heard you were there when Mikado-senpai killed himself. What kind of a friend lets something like this happen right in front of his eyes?”

Kida’s fists clenched.

“I hope you don’t make this into a fight at Mikado-senpai’s funeral.” Aoba said calmly.

“You sure hope. Because you don’t stand a chance.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure if I were you...” Aoba looked pointedly at the cast on Kida’s leg. “I respected Mikado-senpai a great deal, you know. It shouldn’t have ended like this for him.”

“It’s my fault he got involved with the likes of you in the first place.” 

“The likes of me?” Aoba asked incredulously. 

“You’re spreading rumors about me having killed him.” 

“Maybe.” Aoba smiled. “But why would the rumors about how you, as the leader of the Yellow Scarves, single-handedly got rid of the leader of the Dollars, be such a bad thing for you?”

“I would have never hurt him like that.”

“Obviously. We talked quite a lot about you, me and Mikado-senpai. And considering what he’s told me, I don’t actually believe you could have killed him. Also, we wouldn’t have been talking peacefully like that if I did believe you’d done that.” Aoba’s smile turned cold. “It was just a joke with Mairu.” He shrugged.

“I don’t understand how Mikado-kun could have ever trusted you.” Kida growled.

“Kida-senpai…” Aoba sighed. “Whatever differences there might have been between the two of us so far, we should forget about them now in the face of what has happened to Mikado-senpai. I believe he would have liked that.”

Aoba stretched his hand out towards Kida.

But Kida’s hands stayed in his pockets.

“I really was there when Mikado-kun killed himself.” He said. “And he did not do this peacefully or out of his own volition.”

Kida shuddered at the mere memory of the look in Mikado’s eyes right before he’d died, a sight that he was sure was going to stay etched in his mind until the end of his life.

“What do you mean?” Aoba asked, his hand dropping by his side.

“There is someone still around who made Mikado-kun do this. And I will make him pay.” Kida declared. 

Aoba wondered if that was a threat against him.

“Whatever it is you’re trying to do…” Kida continued. “I won’t get in your way as long as you won’t get in mine. But that includes getting involved on the behalf of Orihara sisters.” 

“Oh, is that what you think, Kida-senpai? That Orihara Izaya was somehow behind it all?” Aoba asked incredulously. “You’re selling Mikado-senpai quite short if you think he could be controlled like that by anyone. And you being used by Izaya doesn’t actually mean everyone else was doing what he wanted, too. Don’t get me wrong, Kida-senpai, I’d gladly see him dead but his sisters have nothing to do with this at all.”

“I understand that you want to protect them because they’re your friends. But you know what that means.” Kida looked Aoba in the eye.

“Why give me a warning?” Aoba asked.

“Because I’m not a sneaky bastard like you.” Kida answered before turning around and starting to walk away.

“Kida-senpai, you should get off your high horse if you’re going to threaten innocent girls.” Aoba called out to him.

His brow furrowed in thought after Kida had left. 

“So, what did he want?” Mairu asked when he rejoined her and Kururi.

“You should watch out for him.” Aoba said seriously. “If you see him or some other Yellow Scarves wandering around, you should tell me.”

“Why?” Mairu asked, not particularly interested.

“Because he may try to hurt you to draw your brother out.”

“Oh, but we can take care of ourselves.” Mairu smiled mischievously. “And won’t you protect us, Aocchi?” 

“Sure.”

“Oh, you’re so manly.” Mairu cooed.

Mairu and Kururi giggled, not really taking what he had said seriously. But Aoba knew what he had seen. The cold resolve in Kida’s eyes didn’t bode well for the future.

“And who was Ryuugamine-senpai’s best friend that he went to see before his death?” Mairu asked.

“It was Kida-senpai, actually.” Aoba answered.

“So, did he actually kill Ryuugamine-senpai and now wants to put the blame on our brother? Does he really believe Iza-nii could make someone kill themselves?” Mairu sighed. “Everyone knows it’s just stupid rumors, right?”

“Worried.” Kururi whispered in a barely there voice.

“Don’t worry, Kururi.” Aoba addressed her. “Your brother’s alive.”

“We don’t know that, Aocchi.” Mairu pointed out. “Not like he ever tells us anything.”

“I have my ways of knowing, though.” Aoba assured them.

Mairu sighed.

“Actually, you’re just like him.”


	5. Chapter 5

It took several weeks until Izaya was no longer bedridden. Still, he couldn’t walk and resolved to getting a wheelchair. He was aware that if he wanted to ever walk again, working on that should have been his priority at that time. But there were other things on his mind both about the city where he was currently staying and about Ikebukuro.

Mikado had really died. 

Yellow Scarves were following Izaya’s sisters around. Blue Squares were following these Yellow Scarves.

Mikado’s soul couldn’t have been put to rest by an exorcist. Not that Izaya believed that would have been possible in the first place.

He pondered if he should take his sisters out of school and away from Ikebukuro but the chances of them actually going along with such a request from him were nonexistent and he was not going to go there to drag them away kicking and screaming. Not yet at least.

The last few days he considered contacting Celty since she had been responsible for this mess in the first place but she probably didn’t even remember anything now that she no longer had her head. Much less was she actually able to change anything. 

But like sending the exorcist to Mikado’s grave, it was at the very least worth trying.

Izaya opened the chat window and addressed Celty.

“ _Celty? Do you remember anything from the time when you had your head?_ ”

“ _Everything._ ” She replied immediately. 

“ _Aren’t you surprised that I’m still alive?_ ”

“ _No?_ ”

“ _Did you tell Shinra about it all?_ ”

“ _Shinra doesn’t know that I remember anything._ ” 

“ _Then maybe I should tell him._ ”

“ _He won’t believe you._ ” Celty answered right away. “ _What do you want?_ ”

“ _If you remember everything, you know what I want. I know what you did. It was not in season for sakura to bloom during my fight with Shizuo._ ” 

“ _I was trying to save you all._ ”

“ _No, I don’t think you did that to save my life. You made this afterlife or whatever it really was to pry it out of me how Shizuo could have been stopped. Because you did not know everything about me at all. And you used what you’d learned to stop Shizuo from killing me only because you needed him yourself. You did it for your own sake, so you could continue playing house with Shinra. And you’re probably happy with how it turned out for you. But Mikado still killed himself again and you got him stuck. Whatever. What gets me is that he put a curse on me that can’t be repelled until his soul is put to rest and Kida Masaomi saw him die for the fourth time right in front of his eyes, while Mikado was expecting to be saved by you nonetheless, and now nothing will make him believe Mikado went peacefully. So what he does is of course blame *me*. I should probably have him killed now just not to take any chances._ ”

“ _I’m sorry._ ”

“ _I liked you better back when you had your head._ ”

“ _Ok._ ”

Izaya wondered what she meant.

“ _Isn’t this what you wanted yourself? Get yourself tangled up in the supernatural, graduate from playing with humans to playing with whatever was beyond death? Nothing happens without a reason. Actually, maybe you jumped into the gorge already. Maybe this is Hell for you and no matter what you do you will end up defeated and suffering for the rest of eternity._ ”

“ _Hello there, Dullahan._ ”

“ _So, how did you like it?_ ”

“ _Excellent._ ”

“ _Killing people is not what will put Mikado’s soul to rest._ ” Celty added after a while.

“ _But it would not make things any worse for me if I’m already in Hell either._ ”

“ _But if you aren’t, it will send you right there. It’s up to you to set Mikado free. He’s stuck in your memory after all._ ”

Izaya leaned back in his chair.

“ _Good luck._ ” The final message appeared after a while.

Then Celty left the chat.

\---

“If you can hear me, Anri-chan, give me a sign. Anything, really.” Kida pleaded clutching Anri’s hand.

The beeping of the machines that were keeping her alive was steady and constant in the room.

Saki was sitting next to him with an unreadable expression on her face.

Anri did not make any move. Ever since having been stabbed by Nasujima, she had been in a coma. Her hand was so cold it was as if she were dead already.

Kida had a sinking feeling that she would not be waking up ever again. And even if she did wake up, with Mikado now gone and with him having been right there when it’d happened and not stopping him, what could he have said to her to make it better anyway?

“I will visit you again.” He offered. “When I’m done.” He squeezed her hand one last time. “But there are things I have to do now, Anri-chan. Things that you might not have necessarily approved of. But so be it.” 

“Masaomi-kun…” Saki spoke up softly. “Are you really going to look for Izaya?”

“What else can I do, Saki-chan?” Kida looked up at her seriously. “I’d promised Mikado to get that bastard right before he died. And now that Nasujima is taken care of…”

“Izaya is gone. He’s as good as dead already.”

“Look, Saki-chan, he hurt you, too. You should not be trying to stop me.”

“I don’t want to lose you, that’s all.” She said. “Not to you getting hurt or in trouble. And not to Anri-chan.”

“Don’t be silly, Saki.” He whispered before leaning in to kiss the top of her head. “I’ll be back, I promise.” He said before leaving the room.


	6. Chapter 6

“Haven’t you noticed something strange lately, Aocchi?” Mairu asked with a coy smile, looking out of their classroom’s third story window during a break between two classes she and Aoba didn’t share with Kururi. “All these shady guys are wandering around in front of our school lately during classes. And after classes, they’re suddenly everywhere me and Kuru-nee go…”

The shady characters in question were the Yellow Scarves apparently keeping tabs on her and Kururi and the Blue Squares and Dollars that Aoba had sent himself. But he was not going to tell Mairu that.

The whole charade had already lasted for a while without the Yellow Scarves making any further moves. That made it obvious it was all a show meant for Izaya. And the Blue Squares were only helping them put it on by playing along. But Aoba couldn’t think of anything else he could have been doing.

Getting rid of Kida was a good enough idea in his books but Kida stayed well hidden, not even showing up anymore by Anri’s bedside at the hospital or at Mikado’s grave.

It might have been best for Kururi and Mairu to leave Ikebukuro altogether. But on the other hand, Aoba didn’t want them to disappear from his life like that.

His phone vibrated in his pocket.

“Yellow Scarves are making a move at Raira Academy, Kuronuma.” A muffled voice on the other end of the call informed him.

“That is my school, idiot.” Aoba barked into the phone. “I can see that.”

“I mean really making the move, like you said they would.” 

Looking out of the window Aoba spotted a figure in the trademark white hoodie approaching the school gate, its face obscured with a yellow scarf.

Aoba’s blood ran cold when he realized the figure was carrying a baseball bat.

“Crush them.” He spoke into the phone menacingly before hanging up.

“What…” Mairu muttered at the sight of the fight breaking out instantly in front of the school.

“Where’s Kururi?” Aoba interrupted her.

“She has PE. So, probably out on the sports grounds.” 

As it dawned on her why Aoba was asking, the smile disappeared from her face.

“What are you staring at?!” Aoba shouted at the other students who had gathered by the windows looking down in amazement. “Call the police!”

Then he grabbed the classroom keys left on the desk by the teacher and headed for the door.

Mairu leapt to follow him but the door was shut in her face and locked from the outside. When it didn’t yield to her kicks, her gaze darted to the windows but jumping down from that kind of height was out of the question. 

“Kuru-nee…” She whispered, sliding down to her knees.

Transfixed by the fight, the other students didn’t pay attention to her at all.

Aoba closed his hand around the handle of the switchblade in his pocket that he’d started to carry to school after the conversation with Kida at Mikado’s funeral and ran downstairs.

Having escaped the fight in front of the school gate with just a few scratches and a bloody imprint on his bat Kida climbed atop the sports grounds’ fence.

The bat was handed to him from below by another boy in a yellow scarf.

Kida took a hold of it and jumped down onto the school grounds.

He answered his phone after landing.

“Orihara showed up.” One of the Yellow Scarves informed him. “But Izumii Ran is with him.”

“I need Orihara here alone. Take care of everyone else.” Kida commanded through the phone.

The students who had been out on the sports grounds for the break were crowding next to the fence in a place where the view of the fight in front of the school was good.

When Kida approached them, their heads gradually turned to look at him one by one.

Kururi came forward on her own.

She lunged towards Kida without a word but before she could land a hit the bat collided with her thigh with a sickening thud.

Kida grabbed her as she fell forward.

Holding onto her, he looked at the other students challenging anyone else to do anything.

When nobody moved, he turned around and dragged Kururi towards the shed out on the sports grounds where some equipment was held, ignoring her ever louder moans of pain. 

Still holding onto her, he crushed the padlock on the door of the shed with his bat and threw her inside.

Meanwhile, Aoba reached the group of students out on the sports grounds.

“Where’s Kururi?” He demanded, not seeing her among them.

“Some masked guy with a baseball bat dragged her to the shed.” Someone answered him.

Aoba sprinted there.

When he reached the door of the shed the sight of the crushed padlock made his stomach sink.

He pushed it slightly ajar and looked inside cautiously.

It was completely dark in there, only the square of light from the open door illuminating Kida sitting against the opposite wall with Kururi in his lap, holding a knife to her neck. The bat was lying at their feet in a puddle of blood flowing from the nasty injury on Kururi’s leg.

Aoba entered the shed.

“Get lost.” Kida growled at him.

“The police is already here.” Aoba lied. 

The door closed behind him, plunging them all into darkness.

A moment later it opened again and Izaya went inside with a visible limp.

Izumii Ran followed him with a maniacal grin on his face, his knuckles red with blood.

Izaya reached his gloved hand into the pocket of his coat, drew out a gun and pointed it at Kida’s head.

But before either he or Kida could speak he felt the knife plunge into his back.

He fired the gun but couldn’t see whom or what he’d hit as he fell to his knees with a knife stuck in his back.

Ran muttered something from behind him.

Then everything went dark.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Later on, I wrote a fic that is an alternate continuation of the 6th chapter ie. the version in which Aoba actually killed Izaya, it's here -  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/10987158

“Fuck.” Izaya moaned, waking up under the blooming cherry trees only to be taken back as soon as he opened his eyes.

Back in the shed he held the gun trained on Kida’s head while someone else plunged the knife into his back. 

It took him dying three more times to piece together what Ran had muttered from behind him after he’d been stabbed.

“Little brother.”

Back-stabbing bitch. Hopefully Ran killed him for it. 

Then he died several more times, so many times he lost count, unable to stop the attack from behind.

Maybe the Dullahan had been right, maybe he was already in Hell.

He died over and over and over again until he became certain that this was never going to stop.

Until it did.

“Shh…” A distant voice tried to soothe him through hours and hours of howling in pain and despair, the grass under him wet with blood, until his voice gave out completely and his consciousness flickered out.

When he woke up again, Mikado was sitting by his side and looking at him intently. His eyes were not empty like the last time Izaya had seen him but filled with endless sadness instead.

“I didn’t know that before but I can stop my curse.” Mikado observed. “It reached a point where I couldn’t even bear to look at it happening to you anymore myself and as soon as I wished for it to stop, it stopped.” 

Izaya’s eyes stared up at the blue sky, unblinking and unfocused. 

“That’s enough for me.” Mikado spoke carefully, half expecting Izaya to start screaming again at any moment. “I could use your company anyway.” He remarked sadly.

Izaya spit in his face.

Mikado’s face contorted in a terrible way but he suppressed the urge to send Izaya back again and risk damaging him even more.

He was starved for company and the news of the outside world.

“Don’t you understand me now, Orihara-san?” He asked.

After eternities of pain, Izaya felt something akin to contentment at not feeling anything anymore. Here he was all right. Other than being dead and apparently at Mikado’s mercy not to send him back to die again and again, he was no longer in pain. And that was good enough for him.

He sat up.

Mikado wondered if Izaya even knew anymore what had happened to him.

“We can stay here together.” He offered.

“That’s up to you.” Izaya stated matter of factly, his voice still coarse from all the screaming. “It seems you can keep me trapped in here for as long as you want, Mikado-kun, if that is what you want.”

“Maybe that is what I want.” 

“It isn’t, you’re just desperate.” Izaya shrugged before reaching out and wiping his spit off Mikado’s face, his fingers lingering over the smooth skin. “Have the surroundings messed with your head, Mikado-kun? Does the thought of Shizu-chan fucking me turns you on?”

Mikado’s face turned red as he processed Izaya’s question.

“What were you even doing here all alone all this time?” Izaya smiled at Mikado’s visible embarrassment. “If we’re going to stay here together, is there anything in particular that you’d like to do to pass the time?”

Mikado didn’t get a chance to answer before Izaya’s mouth covered his, his tongue forcing its way inside.

The jolt of desire felt good in Izaya’s body, clearing his mind of the memories of the pain. 

“Does the thought of Shizu-chan fucking me turns you on? Does it?” Izaya insisted. 

A faint warning sounded off in his head as he pushed Mikado to the ground and pinned him down with his body. What if Mikado didn’t like it and sent him back. What if this was not a good idea at all.

But he wanted to do it, to wrestle some measure of control over the situation back from Mikado, however illusory it might have been.

“Answer me.” Izaya growled, his teeth sinking into the side of Mikado’s neck hard enough to draw blood.

The injury closed on its own when he withdrew his teeth. Mikado didn’t seem surprised by that in the slightest.

“I got around to appreciating it.” He said softly at last. “After a while.”

“Aren’t you a sick little boy.” Izaya observed, his hand sneaking into Mikado’s pants and wrapping itself around his length. “I could fuck you like that, too.” Izaya offered and clenched his hand on Mikado so tightly that the boy whimpered in pain, tears welling in his eyes. “You’d see how great it’d make you feel. But I’m not going to risk your wrath.”

“Orihara-san…” Mikado whispered, stunned by all this happening after nothing had been happening for so long. “I’m sorry that happened to you.”

“I thought we were closer than that.” Izaya commented on the use of the honorific while removing Mikado’s pants, choosing to ignore his compassion. “Were you a virgin when you died, Mikado-kun? Did you even fuck a girl?” He demanded.

“I was seventeen.”

“That is plenty old enough.” Izaya commented. “For me. Or for your friend Masaomi for that matter. Open your legs, Mikado-kun. Wider.” He commanded.

He grabbed Mikado’s hips and buried his face between his legs, his tongue sliding out to lick Mikado’s tight opening.

Mikado came at the first touch, his legs trembling. Izaya leaned in to lick the cum off his pulsating length.

“But if Heiwajima-san were gentle with you…” Mikado uttered once he regained his breath. “...would you have continued to sleep with him?”

“Sure, until my yakuza boyfriend of the time would have found out about him and arranged for a tank to mow him down.”

“That’s not the real answer, though.”

Izaya licked his fingers before forcing them inside Mikado one by one, quieting him.

Once he deemed him ready, he pulled down his pants and got inside Mikado slowly until he was fully buried, Mikado’s breath getting shallow and pained.

“You have to get me out of here.” Mikado pleaded softly when Izaya stalled, fully buried inside him, in a moment of connection that seemed not to be merely physical.

Izaya started to move to the tune of Mikado’s whimpers and then moans, eventually bringing them both to completion at the same time.

Afterwards, they lay together in a heap of limbs and chests sticking together, neither having anywhere to go to or any place to hide in this world of endless cherry blossom trees.

“How did you die this time?” Mikado asked a long time later, his fingers combing through Izaya’s hair.

The decision to end his life seemed foolish to Mikado now. Apparently, there were so many things in the world he could have still experienced. 

“I went back to Tokyo.” Izaya answered slowly, piecing the disparate memories back together. His life was so much agony away and so many deaths ago it didn’t come back into focus easily. “I think I wanted to get rid of Masaomi.”

“Did he threaten you because of my death?” Mikado asked.

“He threatened my sisters. But I should have never tried to help them. They have chosen themselves to be a glaring and exposed weakness of mine. They probably thought they could handle it somehow. Or that I was not the real deal and had no real enemies. Stupid brats.”

“It must not have come easily to Masaomi to threaten girls.” Mikado mused. “He was not like that.”

“He’s a sick little bastard now.” Izaya hissed. “Gang members were following my sisters around. Some of them were willing to work for me but in the end everyone ended up getting caught up in a fight in front of Raira when Masaomi showed up there with a baseball bat. I decided to go there to take care of him myself. I planned no crazy stunts, I just took a gun. I had a guy arranged to take the blame for shooting someone and go to prison for it, even for life. Then Masaomi got to Kururi before I got to him, broke her leg with the bat and threatened to cut her throat. And then…” Izaya swallowed. “...Kuronuma Aoba stabbed me in the back.”

“I regret not being there anymore.” Mikado confessed. “Things have really gotten interesting.”

Izaya hauled himself up and out of Mikado’s embrace to look down at him intently.

Mikado held his stare with a smile creeping onto his face.

“So, Kuronuma-kun really did love your sister.” He commented. “He killed you so Masaomi would let her go. Orihara-san…” Mikado sat up, wiping himself with his clothes and closing his pants over the mess with hands trembling with excitement. “Thank you for spending time with me here and telling me everything. I don’t feel so bad about having died anymore thanks to it. My death has really influenced a lot of people and steered things in surprising directions. The two of us got together, even if it was only in here, and I would have never suspected that something like that could happen. I’m hopeful you will be able to help me leave this place one day because I know what you have to do to change the course of events, Orihara-san.” He exclaimed. “But deep down you probably know that, too.”

Neither of them said anything for a while, cherry blossom petals hovering in the air between them.

“You have to shoot your sister.” Mikado spoke up at last. “Goodbye.” He said with a sad smile.

Then Izaya was back in the shed instantly. He held the gun trained on Kida’s head but this time he moved it before pulling the trigger.

The shot echoed inside the shed and the door closed, plunging them into darkness.

Kururi’s body convulsed in Kida’s grasp and the smell of blood filled his nostrils.

A lighter flicked on and in its feeble light, Aoba lunged at Izaya but Ran caught him, dropping the lighter in the process.

In its dying light Kida looked down in horror at the blood oozing out of Kururi’s stomach, the hand with the knife dropping to his side.

Ran held Aoba still with practiced ease.

Then the door opened and the man arranged to take the blame for the shooting entered the shed.

Ran shook the switchblade out of Aoba’s hand with a smile.

“Little brother…” He muttered before punching Aoba in the stomach. 

“Let’s go, Izumii.” Izaya said and put the gun down before turning to leave. 

Ran dropped Aoba to the ground in a heaving pile.

“You’re the boss.” Ran shrugged.

The man who had entered the shed nodded in agreement in Izaya’s direction.

Outside, Izaya pulled the gloves off his hands and stuck them in his pocket before following Ran towards the back exit of the school grounds.

Police sirens were howling in the distance.

“Who was that girl? Why shoot her?” Ran asked him. “She was hot. But I’m afraid it is over for her now.”

Izaya gave him no answer, concentrating on walking as fast as he could. The pain in his legs seemed minor now even though it used to bother him a lot. But that was before he really knew what pain could feel like.

When they reached the back exit, the lock was already broken for them. They left the school grounds and got into the car waiting around the corner.

Ran looked on in amusement while Izaya called an ambulance from the car and smashed the phone he’d used to make the call before throwing the remnants out of the window.

\---

“What a mess.” The man who had showed up in the shed spoke up, looking around in the light of his lighter.

Kida squeezed his eyes shut forcing himself to think rationally and do what needed to be done. He moved Kururi off his lap as gently as he could and placed her on the ground, pocketed his knife and got up.

He headed out of the shed, leaving the bat behind.

Once outside, the bright sunlight hit his eyes, blinding him momentarily. 

Izaya was nowhere to be seen. Of course. Kida’s fists clenched.

Then he ran before the police could get him.

Back in the shed, Aoba picked himself up from the ground, scoured the floor for his switchblade and hid it in his pants before making his way over to Kururi.

He clutched her hand, feeling for the pulse.

It was barely there.

And it was gone before help arrived.


	8. Chapter 8

Shizuo was out back, smoking before the start of the shift. Ever since the rumors of Izaya having come back to Ikebukuro had reached him, his nerves had been on the edge, more so than usual. Something terrible had since gone down at Raira Academy, his very own former school, and one of the Orihara sisters had been killed by an assailant who thankfully had been apprehended by the police. 

First Vorona, then Anri, then Orihara Kururi.

Shizuo crushed the cigarette in his hand without even realizing what he was doing. 

“Shizuo-kun.” Tom joined him. “Still moping around?” He sighed, noting Shizuo’s solemn expression. 

“Are there any news?” Shizuo asked, dropping the remnants of the cigarette to the ground.

“No, no news. And even if Orihara did show up, he deserves a pass from you for now. His sister has just passed away. Please respect that.” Tom said seriously. “Let it go for now. Actually the news is that your new kouhai will be here today.”

“Do you really think it’s a good idea to have one again after what happened to Vorona, Tom-san?”

“That was not on the job.” Tom pointed out. “Vorona’s fine now, too. Her injury might have looked dramatic but her recovery was good. I would have accepted her back, too, but since she chose to move away…” He shrugged. “But I guess if you miss her so badly, Shizuo-kun, maybe you should follow her.”

“It’s not like that.” Shizuo grumbled.

“Hello.” The new hire joined them, flashing a smile.

Despite the smile he looked as if he’d been through a lot recently. 

“Hello.” Tom answered, prepared to make the introduction.

“Did you really hire that street gang punk, Tom-san?” Shizuo interrupted him. 

“Well, Shizuo-kun, this is a bit of a shady business.” Tom pointed out. “No university graduates were applying this time around.”

“Heiwajima-san, I hope our differences are now sorted out after the last time.” The new hire bowed politely.

Indeed, Shizuo had already taught him manners once.

“What’s your name again?” He asked, looking at him suspiciously.

“Kida Masaomi.” The boy introduced himself. “I won’t lie to you. I was the leader of the Yellow Scarves and I did not stop my people from attacking you last year, Heiwajima-san. I also used to work for Orihara-san. But if you accept me despite that, I promise I’ll work hard.” 

“He actually reminds me of you back when you were his age, Shizuo-kun.” Tom commented.

“Isn’t there a rumour around that you killed the leader of the Dollars?” Shizuo demanded.

Kida flinched.

“I did not kill Mikado-kun.” He answered. “But I was there when he killed himself.” He confessed. “For me, he was not just the leader of the Dollars. We were best friends.”

“If you’re telling the truth then who is spreading these kinds of rumors?” Shizuo wondered. “The Yellow Scarves are still around, too. There was a huge fight in front of the Raira Academy recently. Were you there?” He demanded.

Kida nodded.

“I have since left the gang and I’d love to work with you.” He said solemnly. “Please give me a chance.”

“It’d be nothing but trouble to involve ourselves with gang members, Tom-san.” Shizuo warned.

“It’s all right, Kida-kun.” Tom addressed Kida assuredly. “I’m sure Shizuo-kun will come around.” 

\---

Izaya unlocked the door to the place that he had rented in a high rise building in Minato Mirai in Yokohama and held it open to let Mairu in.

They had just attended Kururi’s funeral but instead of going home or to the hotel with their parents, Mairu insisted on coming here with him.

For whatever reason she was in her trademark school uniform, apparently having decided it had been the right attire to wear to her own sister’s funeral.

“What do you want?” Izaya asked, heading towards his desk.

A wheelchair was standing behind it.

Once he reached the desk he turned around to face Mairu and leaned back against it for support. 

The two of them hadn’t talked since Kururi’s death and that suited Izaya just fine. Mairu, who looked just like the sister whom he’d murdered, was not someone he wished to interact with. 

“I want to know if Kuru-nee died because of you, Iza-nii?” Mairu demanded. “Had that man who was caught for it killed her because of something you’d done?”

“I won’t tell you that.” Izaya shrugged. “Didn’t I warn you, though? But no, you two preferred to believe that you were invincible.”

“We could have handled it if only we were not separated.” Mairu insisted. “What I regret the most is that I didn’t help her or died trying. Now I’m missing half a person.” Tears welled up in her eyes.

“You should leave this place.” Izaya said. “Go live with our parents.”

He wanted her to just be gone. 

What happened with Kururi was not necessarily what he might have planned but he’d had no choice. Either he shot her or he died, not for the first time, and certainly not the last. Mikado would have kept him dying as many times as was necessary for him to come around, not out of malice anymore, but simply in his quest for getting free.

Izaya hoped Kururi could have survived when he’d pulled the trigger but once he’d realized he’d shot her in the stomach he’d known with terrible certainty that he had actually killed her. 

In the cruel twist of fate the first person that he’d ended up murdering turned out to be his own little sister that he had never even wanted to die. 

Izaya had never had any qualms about facing up to being a despicable person but after killing Kururi he felt like he’d crossed several lines he’d never meant to as much as get close to.

Mairu started walking towards him, wiping the tears off her face with her sleeve.

“I can’t leave.” She shook her head. “Because now that you’re all I have left, Iza-nii, I can’t leave you.”

She came close to him and climbed to her toes to press a desperate kiss up to his lips. She tasted salty from the tears.

A dreadful weight lodged itself in Izaya’s stomach as he pushed her away as if she burned and forcibly kept her at arm’s length.

“You have to take care of me now.” Mairu struggled in his grasp. “We need to be together like me and Kuru-nee used to be now that she’s no longer here.”

This was the reason Izaya didn’t like interacting with his sisters. They were disturbed in incomprehensible ways. Losing Kururi had apparently only made it worse for Mairu.

“Why not?” She demanded. “If you don’t want me I will kill myself. Because there’s no point in living otherwise as half a person. I need someone to fill the void.” 

“I’m not the only man in the world.” Izaya said calmly.

“You don’t understand. You’re the only one who can complete me.” She insisted. “I mean it, Iza-nii, I will kill myself if we can’t be together.”

“Kururi wouldn’t want you to die.”

“And how do you know that?” She asked. “Maybe she’s waiting for me somewhere now. Shouldn’t you convince me to go through with it already and really kill myself now? Isn’t that what you do?!” Mairu demanded angrily, offended by his rejection.

“I’m taking you to the hotel now.” He said, holding her still.

Their parents or preferably a good shrink were certainly better equipped to deal with her meltdown than him.

She hit him where it hurt the most, in the site of his stab wound, and while he curled up in pain, she overpowered the hold of his weakened hands on her.

Then she walked up to the window, opened it wide and climbed up onto the windowsill. It was raining outside.

Izaya’s penchant for high places had been in full force when he had rented this particular flat. The whole city was seemingly down at her feet and the sea stretched out into the distance.

“I should have jumped out of the window the day Kuru-nee got hurt and Aoba-kun locked me in the classroom so I couldn’t go help her.” She turned around to face him. “Don’t come any closer, Iza-nii.” She warned as he started approaching. “He got to be by her side when she died, too. But I don’t blame him. I only blame my own cowardice. Because I should have just jumped...”

Izaya leapt to the window as she let herself fall backwards but he was too late to stop her.

This was hardly the first time he witnessed someone jumping to their death. 

But it was different than before because for once he was not merely mildly interested. He actually cared.


	9. Chapter 9

Aoba’s eyes bore into the empty chairs where Mairu and Kururi used to sit in class, his mind absent from the classroom.

The teachers let his absentmindedness slide while the school got him counseling after he’d been discovered by Kururi’s side after she’d died. 

Mairu’s suicide coming to light only served to feed the rumor mill. Both the two senior students Aoba used to hang out with and his two girlfriends were permanently gone from the school, three of them having died of unnatural causes and Anri still in a coma. How unlucky could one get? 

Aoba himself didn’t believe it was merely bad luck of course. There was a distinct thread connecting all these disasters and it seemed to be held by one man.

Witnessing Izaya kill Kururi had turned Aoba’s thinking around. What might have seemed irrational before seemed plausible now. Or at least it made it easier to think about recent events, letting him react with anger rather than just despair.

He had already sworn to kill Izaya years ago but had never quite decided if it had been just an empty threat or something that he actually meant to happen one day. His relationship with Izaya’s sisters used to be what had stalled his hand but now that they were both gone along with Mikado and Anri and Aoba was all alone in the world again he let himself admit that even the wrath he’d felt for Ran for all these years was no match for what he was feeling towards Izaya now.

Kida was likewise going to pay for what he’d done to Kururi and for his foolishness that was the reason she’d ended up dead.

Plotting his and Izaya’s demise was an excellent way to take Aoba’s mind off of what had happened so he did it eagerly, every waking moment of every single day.

\---

“Who are these guys?” Tom wondered aloud, looking out of the window of their office at the street where Kida was walking away, having just finished work, and several suspicious characters followed him maintaining some distance.

“I told you it was a bad idea to involve ourselves with people from street gangs, Tom-san.” Shizuo huffed.

He was still distrustful of Kida. The boy might have behaved on the job and had a cheerful demeanor but there was just something off about him at all times.

“It may not be about gangs. All right, so he’s had some problems.” Tom conceded. “But firing him because of rumors and suspicions... It doesn’t sit right with me. He needs the money, I think he has a girlfriend who relies on him, too. Besides, these guys aren’t even around when you’re on the job.”

“You know why, right?” Shizuo asked before heading towards the door. “See you tomorrow.”

He went out onto the street. 

The guys who had been following Kida left in a hurry in the opposite direction upon noticing Shizuo.

Kida turned around at the sound of the commotion.

“Heiwajima-san!” He called out with a smile. “Are you done for today, too?” He asked once Shizuo approached. “I know of a place nearby. We should go grab some drinks.”

“You’re underage.” Shizuo growled. “Why are those punks following you around? You were supposed to be out of the gang to take the job.”

“These guys are not around because of gangs.” Kida grew serious. “I guess someone has something against me personally.”

“You should quit if you’re going to involve Tom-san in any trouble.”

“I thought you of all people would understand, Heiwajima-san. I got involved with Orihara Izaya and he ruined my life.”

Shizuo felt anger welling up inside him. He wasn’t sure if it was at the mention of Izaya’s name or at Kida for trying to manipulate him somehow.

“But Izaya’s gone now.” He pointed out. “I took care of that already.” 

There had been many rumors lately but it seemed like nobody had actually seen Izaya around since their last fight.

“He’s not gone anymore. I’ve seen him during the fight at the Raira Academy.” Kida confessed. “He’s not in a bad shape either. And you may not believe me but I’ve seen him kill his own sister. The guy who was arrested for it is a scapegoat. He shot her in the stomach, too. And that is not a pretty way to die.” 

There was a time when Shizuo wouldn’t have believed this kind of news. Izaya might have been threatening to kill him for years but he hadn’t really been into killing other people with his own hands. But that had been before Shizuo had witnessed Izaya attack Vorona during their final fight.

“And why do you think his other sister killed herself?” Kida continued. “It wouldn’t be the first time he’s made someone commit suicide. It’s been the same with Mikado-kun. And that’s why, if I ever get the chance, I will kill him, even if that is the last thing I’ll ever do. And that is the extent of the trouble I may cause you.”

Shizuo’s fists clenched at his sides.

“You don’t need to do this.” He growled. “If he ever shows up around here again, I will kill that flea myself.”

Kida smiled.

“I knew we’d reach some kind of an understanding, Heiwajima-san.”

\---

The time and the clouds over the sea outside the window were slowly moving by.

When Mairu had jumped, things had spiraled in a dark direction and out of Izaya’s control. Her death had been even more unnecessary than what he’d done to Kururi. 

He had called his parents to let them know what had happened and where to find Mairu’s body but he’d ignored any further attempts they’d made to contact him and once the police had started calling, he’d destroyed the phone.

He spent the next several days not leaving his apartment, not eating and barely sleeping. He longed for respite, even the kind that an ordinary death, the way he used to imagine it as being just nothing, could have offered. 

But even that was denied to him.

Maybe Mikado had never stopped his fall into the gorge. Maybe any attempts at making things better were only ever going to backfire in the most terrible ways because this was actually Hell and the cards were always going to be stacked against him.

Maybe that was why there was no way out.

But if it were at all possible to get rid of the curse, he was going to give it a try.

In the end, looking for answers, he left the apartment to head to Ikebukuro and to the park with the sakura trees.

Now, in late fall, it was much different than it appeared in the afterlife. The trees were already bare, it was getting dark and the place was deserted, but the park still welcomed him like a long lost friend, eerily familiar even though he hadn’t actually been there in years.

Walking was painful and the distances he used to cover without even thinking about it were stretching endlessly now.

The park was empty and seemed to hold no answers.

But then, as if to confirm his ominous suspicions about this reality conspiring against him he spotted Shizuo at the other end of a deserted alley.


	10. Chapter 10

Back in the old times, Izaya would have run if he randomly met Shizuo like that, either getting away or initiating a chase, but that was out of the question now, so he stayed still instead of trying to run and falling over.

Shizuo spotted him immediately, the trademark black coat with fur collar catching his attention.

Meeting Izaya here of all places made Shizuo doubly angry because he wasn’t supposed to know about Shizuo’s habit of still coming here after all these years.

He held Izaya’s gaze as he approached, daring him to run.

But Izaya didn’t move. He looked tired and unkempt and seemed to have lost a lot of weight.

“It’s been a while, Shizu-chan.” Izaya greeted Shizuo with a smile even though his insides clenched in fear.

Only now, faced with the real possibility of dying in his current condition, when death could mean a thousand deaths, did he realize the extent of this previously unfamiliar feeling.

“And here, of all places.” He added.

“I told you to never show yourself around Ikebukuro again.” Shizuo said menacingly. “Why aren’t you running away?”

“I can’t run anymore after what you’ve done to me the last time around.”

“Oh, isn’t that great, Izaya-kun? We’ll save a little time.” Shizuo grabbed his collar and pulled him up. “Why did you come back?”

“Didn’t you hear about my sisters?” 

Izaya tried in vain to loosen Shizuo’s grip on him, his hands weak and trembling, his rings getting too big for him.

Shizuo couldn’t help but notice how badly he was damaged after their previous fight, certainly not going to be able to put up much resistance.

Killing someone who couldn’t defend himself didn’t really sit right with Shizuo but then again...

“I did hear about your sisters. I’ve also heard you’d killed them yourself.”

Shizuo’s grip tightened.

“Police caught Kururi’s killer and Mairu killed herself because her twin had died. What do you not understand about that? And I am here because of them. Why would you think I’d kill them?”

“Why would you try to kill Vorona, Izaya-kun?” Shizuo asked dryly.

“What are you going to do?” 

“Finish what I’ve started, I guess.”

“Go on. And say hi to my parents when they come over to collect the body of their final child.”

Izaya closed his eyes and braced himself for the pain that never came.

After a while of looking at him intently, Shizuo dropped him to the ground.

Izaya didn’t make any move to get up and didn’t even open his eyes. As if he was already dead, he just lay there.

Shizuo couldn’t get himself to hurt him when Izaya wasn’t fighting back at all. The anger was just not there. This was not how things were supposed to go. 

Izaya stayed where he was. He didn’t want Shizuo’s pity to be the reason he got to live again but he realized he couldn’t afford to die, not after the agony of all of his previous deaths. 

The shame was unbearable, though. Shizuo might have not killed him but he had defeated him, over and over again.

Death by Shizuo’s hands would have been a moral victory. That was why he had always taunted him to kill him. But lying to him about his sisters to save himself and pleading him, of all people, for his life made tears of humiliation sting Izaya’s eyes for the second time in his life, the first being after Shizuo had fucked him.

Shizuo turned around to leave, hopeful that they could agree to forget that particular encounter like the last one that had started in this place all these years ago, but he stopped when the body on the ground started trembling, wrecked by poorly contained sobs. 

It was an attempt to play with his head, Shizuo was sure of that. His fists clenched.

Now able to think more clearly, he realized how extremely unlikely it would have been for Izaya to turn up randomly at this park while he’d been there. As he started suspecting that Izaya had showed up in this place on purpose he could feel his anger surfacing again.

Like the sakura petal that had appeared out of nowhere during their last fight and stalled his hand at the crucial moment allowing Izaya to escape alive, the flea showing up here of all places felt like an attempt at manipulation that invaded his innermost feelings.

Izaya heard Shizuo’s steps approach again after he had already assumed Shizuo had walked away.

He opened his eyes and looked up in time to roll over and narrowly avoid a kick to his side that would have most likely killed him. 

When he touched his face it was wet with tears.

“If you’re going to kill me, at least make it painless.” He said after climbing up to his feet clumsily. “Break my neck.” The pain from that seemed to not have been that bad the last time around and the death was fast. “At least you’ve made me feel better, Shizu-chan.” He smiled maliciously. “What with kicking someone when he’s down, you monster.”

The reality of what he’d done dawned on Shizuo with sickening realization. Izaya could always get the worst parts of him to act out. That was one of the reasons why Shizuo hated him so badly.

He stalled at the sight of Izaya’s tear-stricken face, the anger inside him twisting into something else entirely.

Izaya flinched in fear when Shizuo reached out for him.

“Why have you come to this place, Izaya-kun?” Shizuo asked, his hand cupping Izaya’s chin forcefully.

“I guess I was looking for something. Not this though. Do you come here often, Shizu-chan?” Izaya asked mockingly.

“Sometimes.”

“I guess you didn’t want me to know about that.” Izaya observed, his stomach sinking as Shizuo pulled him in for a kiss that was every bit as clumsy as back when they had been teenagers. “Because you cherish the memory, don’t you? And that’s not what any decent person would have been feeling. You’re sick.”

Shizuo started kissing his neck hungrily, pushing his clothes off his shoulders and exposing his skin to the chilly air.

“I might have been your first.” Izaya wondered aloud, Shizuo’s cold hand sneaking into his pants. “And your last, too.” Izaya caught Shizuo’s hand but was easily overpowered. “Because you wouldn’t risk it with anyone else after what you ended up doing to me. Unless I’m wrong and you slept with Vorona.”

“You’re right.” Shizuo whispered. “You stupid flea.” He grabbed Izaya and pushed him up against the nearest tree. 

“You think if you can catch me you can do whatever you want to me. How does that bode for me now that I can’t run away?”

After so much time, Shizuo’s desire was so strong it was overpowering any kind of rational thought he might have had. 

Maybe this was the price to pay for staying alive this time, Izaya mused, the kind of thing Mikado would have advised him to do anyway. He bit the back of his own hand to keep himself from screaming when Shizuo forced himself deep inside him in one move and came instantly once fully buried, his length pulsating deep in Izaya’s body.

The bleeding hand dropped to Izaya’s side.

He felt numb inside and would have been glad if Shizuo just left but things had changed. Shizuo’s strength might have been the best thing there was to be found in this place if Izaya wanted to stay alive long term.

He pulled Shizuo into an embrace once he was done to stop him from leaving.

“I can teach you how to do this properly.” He offered softly, even though the thought was making him sick. 

Shizuo flinched.

“I don’t want a relationship with you.” He spit the words out as if they tasted foul.

“Whatever. You apparently want to fuck.” Izaya shrugged. “But forego the beating as foreplay the next time around.” He wiped a trail of blood that had started trickling out of his mouth. “Because I haven’t avoided that kick entirely...” He smiled weakly. “...and it’s now your call, Shizu-chan, either you take me to the hospital or you risk me dying and who will sleep with you then will be your own problem. Either way, see you later, I guess…”

After a few more ragged breaths Izaya’s unconscious body slumped into Shizuo’s arms.

It was surprisingly small and battered and exactly what he’d wanted all these years.


	11. Chapter 11

The beeping of the hospital machines was what had woken him up.

Izaya looked down at his bandaged hand questioningly and then remembered everything.

His first instinct was to run in case Shizuo was still around to get himself out of this predicament he’d landed himself in.

But of course running was out of the question not only because of his lingering disability from the previous fight with Shizuo but also because of the internal injuries he’d apparently suffered in the latest.

“You’re awake, Orihara-san.” A young woman addressed him politely from his bedside. She introduced herself and produced some kind of badge. “I’m here to help you.”

“You’re not a doctor.” He observed.

“A psychologist.”

“I have no use for you then.” He dismissed her with a shrug.

“We know what’s happened to you. A complete examination was performed while you were unconscious upon admission. Do you know what that means?”

“I imagine. You mistakenly think I was raped.”

She looked at him attentively and noted something down.

“Maybe it’s the other way around and you mistakenly think you weren’t?”

“Is this a case?” Izaya inquired. “Has anyone been stopped? Because that’s bullshit. I can consent to whatever I want even if you have to patch me up when it’s over.”

“The man who had brought you here left immediately. Before we knew what was wrong with you.”

“Thanks.” He smiled. “Now I’m really done talking to you.” His smile was gone immediately.

She sat there in silence for awhile before accepting that he was not going to say anything more.

“Sure, just let me leave some leaflets for you.” She put a few down on the bedside table and headed out of the room.

This was all going to leave some kind of a paper trail that might have still proved useful one day when he had no further uses for Shizuo and wanted to get rid of him.

Because hopefully, eventually it was going to be possible to make him pay.

\---

“Heiwajima-san sure is in a hurry every day after work lately.” Kida observed. “Granted, we finish late, but is there someone waiting for him? A live-in girlfriend, possibly?”

“I don’t think he lives with her.” Tom answered. “On the contrary, she lives far away so he needs to catch several trains there and back. And it’s a recent thing. Actually, I don’t know any more details. I just think it makes sense it’s not a girl from around here because he never had much success with those. He may have even met her on the Internet…”

“But haven’t you two known each other for a long time?” Kida inquired. “Why wouldn’t he just tell you anything more?”

“I don’t think he’s particularly happy, I guess? Maybe that’s the reason. Things not being that great?” Tom mused. 

“Why go to the trouble then?” Kida sighed. “Especially with the trains and such.”

“I imagine you can figure out why, Kida-kun, even at your age. But I think it will be over soon either way.” Tom shrugged.

\---

The day progressed as usual towards its inevitable conclusion. Late in the evening Izaya was wrapping up some work on his computer when the doorbell rang.

Shizuo showed up every single day since they’d started this arrangement, lodging himself deep into his routine, thoughts and dreams with his consistency. Even Izaya’s body was getting into the rhythm of anticipating their encounters. He hated it for that betrayal.

He went to open the door in his wheelchair. 

“Seriously, cut that bullshit.” Shizuo grumbled upon being let inside.

It unnerved Shizuo to no end that Izaya insisted on using the wheelchair when they met. Considering he could walk, it was probably some sick attempt to make him feel guilty.

He yanked him out of it.

“Missed me much, Shizu-chan?” Izaya asked mockingly while being carried to his desk.

Shizuo dropped him on top and removed his pants hastily. He reached for the lube that was still around since the last time they had sex there, got his fingers wet and started stretching him, massaging him inside until the pleasure made him relax and open up. Then he pushed himself inside not encountering much resistance. 

Izaya’s eyes bore into his, cold and deadly.

With the amount of sex they were having in the last few weeks and Shizuo’s physical prowess he could go on for ages, until Izaya was completely out of breath and out of coherence. His eyes became clouded with desire as it went on but never stopped being cold.

It made it feel wrong even though Izaya no longer actively protested at anything that was being done to him. Or maybe precisely because he didn’t. It left Shizuo feeling empty as if he had just fucked a corpse.

When Izaya came back to his senses his cum was drying on his stomach and Shizuo’s was escaping his body after he’d withdrawn.

Izaya observed with heavy lidded eyes how Shizuo put his pants back on and sat down on the couch to smoke, letting him worry about cleaning up himself and the mess on his desk.

He was usually gone by the time Izaya was back from the bathroom.

While smoking, Shizuo wondered how long this arrangement could last and how there was nowhere for it to go. Not like Izaya could become his wife or the mother of his children. Not like there was any connection between them beyond the physical. Not like he wanted it to be there.

Izaya emerged out of the bathroom in his wheelchair, a fluffy white robe the only thing he was wearing. 

“You’re still here, Shizu-chan.” He observed neutrally before stopping in front of the window and looking up at the sky.

Shizuo’s cigarette was just about gone.

“Why are you always staring out of that window, flea?” He asked for the first time even though he had first noticed Izaya doing that weeks ago.

Izaya flinched.

“What’s so unusual about looking out of a window?” 

“There’s nothing there.”

“Well, there’s the view. This isn’t a cheap place to rent, Shizu-chan, because less simple-minded people than you can actually appreciate it.”

“You’re not looking at the view.” Shizuo insisted. “The black part up top is not the view, flea. That’s the sky. And there’s nothing there.”

Izaya considered if he should tell Shizuo the truth. It felt much too personal to share with him. 

On the other hand, that particular information might have really made him feel sorry for him and as much as Izaya’s pride suffered at the realization, that was necessary if Shizuo was ever to protect him when push came to shove. The added bonus was that it was actually true if he decided to look it up.

“My sister jumped out of that window.” He confessed in the end. 

Shizuo’s brow furrowed.

“And before you kill me for convincing her to do this somehow, it was her own idea and she hit me so I couldn’t stop her.”

Shizuo got off the couch and walked up to the window.

“You talked to her right before?” He asked. “You never liked your sisters very much, did you? It couldn’t have helped her decision making, don’t you think?”

“Don’t you have manners, Shizu-chan?” Izaya asked. “A normal person says ‘I’m sorry’”.

“I just see that you’re sulking around, probably blaming yourself for her death, and it makes me wonder why…” Shizuo mused menacingly. 

He had his doubts about Izaya’s version of what had happened to Kururi. As he was spending more time with Kida at work he was learning to trust him and question why he would have lied to him about having seen Izaya kill her. It was obviously at least as likely that it was Izaya who was lying.

And if he did kill her Shizuo knew there was no stopping his rage until he was dead.

“It’s because I could have stopped her if I had my previous abilities.” Izaya explained. “No high school girl, not even my sister, could have overpowered me back then.”

It could have been true but Izaya’s relentless attempts at making Shizuo feel guilty about his current condition made him wary of taking anything Izaya said at face value.

“I’ll be going.” Shizuo straightened his clothes and turned around to leave.

“I told you already you could stay until morning.”

“Bye.” 

The door shut behind Shizuo with a thud.

Being around him made Izaya feel numb, probably because he didn’t acknowledge that Izaya had any feelings at all.


	12. Chapter 12

“Heiwajima-san, why won’t you and your girlfriend move in together?” Kida asked in the middle of some mundane conversation during lunch. “Wouldn’t it be more convenient than all this traveling back and forth? Aren’t you both adults? Oh, unless she isn’t. Is she a high school girl?”

Shizuo’s brow twitched at another one of Kida’s attempts to unearth information about his ‘girlfriend’. Shizuo stayed purposefully vague because he was not good at lying and was aware of the risk of messing up some details down the line if he’d ever invented any.

“She’s my age.” He conceded, not wanting Kida to get some strange ideas about him having interest in underage girls by not denying it.

“So? How long will you continue visiting her all the way in Yokohama every day and how come she never shows up around here? It wouldn’t have killed her to come over once in awhile.”

“Kida-kun, let it go.” Tom warned him noticing Shizuo becoming quite restless. “It’s a touchy subject for him.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” Kida slumped in his chair.

Shizuo got up and headed outside to smoke.

“He may not have an easy time finding a job in a different part of the city and keeping it.” Tom spoke up after Shizuo had left. “And this girl seems to dislike Ikebukuro. Also, you shouldn’t pry into someone’s matters like that, Kida-kun.”

“I’m just curious, that’s all. Why make it such a mystery anyway? He won’t even tell us her name.” Kida sighed before getting up and going after Shizuo. 

“Heiwajima-san…” He grew serious upon joining him. “I’ve found out something about Izaya.”

“What?” Shizuo asked, feigning disinterest.

“An acquaintance of mine spotted him in Shinjuku some time ago and from that I’ve figured out there’s a place there that he’s visiting regularly. It’s an art trading company but there are rumors that it might be a front for a yakuza office.”

Shizuo scowled at the thought of Izaya apparently continuing to run his shady business in some capacity.

“What do you plan to do, Kida-kun?” 

“I told you already that I was going to kill him if I have the chance.” Kida answered without a trace of hesitation. “I’m not going to ask for your help. Tom-san needs you, especially if I were to be gone.”

Shizuo dropped his cigarette to the ground and stomped on it.

“Forget about Izaya." Shizuo huffed. "He’s not showing up around here anymore. Tom-san needs you, too. And what will happen to Saki-chan if you’re gone?”

“Saki will be fine. I’m telling you this because of her. If something were to happen to me, I’d like you to explain it to her and take care of her until she’s fine on her own.”

“I nearly killed Izaya myself so you may think I’m not the one to say something to you but you don’t need to become that kind of person.”

“Thanks for your concern, Heiwajima-san.” Kida said seriously. “But I’ve already done some pretty bad things.” He said, thinking back to the injury he’d inflicted on Kururi. “I’m afraid it’s too late for me to be a decent person.” 

Tom went outside and joined them.

“Was Kida-kun pestering you about your girlfriend again?” He asked light-heartedly.

“I’m starting to think she’s not even real.” Kida answered with ease. “It might just be a cover for a gambling addiction. Or something even worse.”

Shizuo wondered what was going to happen if Kida attacked Izaya. It was not a given he was going to succeed at killing him, of course. Kida was stronger than the flea in his current condition but the difference might have been too small to overcome Izaya’s skill. Either way, at least one of them was going to get slashed up or killed.

If Izaya ended up dead, what was he going to do. Find a proper girlfriend to replace him or retreat back to his former lifestyle? 

When he went to Izaya on that day he considered warning him for a moment but decided against it at the thought of what the logical next step to Kida causing problems like that might have been in Izaya’s mind. 

He kissed him before leaving, something he’d never done before, feeling how whatever had been there between them had probably already run its course.

\---

Izaya willed himself to smile when upon leaving a yakuza office he had been visiting for business lately, he encountered Kida waiting for him in the back alley.

“Hello there, Masaomi.” He greeted him nonchalantly.

Just like Kida did, he kept his hands in his pockets where his knife was hidden.

Izaya’s comings and goings were interspersed randomly throughout the week which meant Kida had to have someone watch this place to find out when he would show up. It served to demonstrate his dedication. Then again, the last time around he’d gone so far as to attack Kururi.

“It must have taken you a lot of work to determine my location. I guess you didn’t just drop by to say hello.” Izaya said.

“You know why I’m here well enough.” Kida answered coldly.

“Mikado’s decision to end his life was his own, just so you know.”

“I’m sure Kururi’s death wasn’t your fault either.”

The sound of approaching footsteps echoed loudly in the back alley, catching their attention.

It was Shizuo. He stopped a short distance away from them and lit up a cigarette.

“Heiwajima-san, did you follow me here?” Kida asked, having figured out as much. Him leaving work in the middle of the day must have caught Shizuo’s attention. “Did you come here to stop me? Because unless you’re ready to kill him yourself I’m not going to let him go.” He threatened.

“He’s not here because of you.” Izaya spoke up. “Since you’re working with him now, you must have noticed how he’s been hurrying off somewhere after work every single day. You probably figured out he had a lover but I doubt he told you who that person was.” Izaya smiled. “That’s because it was me.”

Kida looked at Shizuo questioningly.

“Is that true, Heiwajima-san?” Kida asked hesitantly, suspecting some kind of trickery on Izaya’s part even as certain facts were clicking together in his mind.

“Yes.” Shizuo answered matter-of-factly.

“But why would you…?” Kida didn’t understand at all, though he figured that it was perhaps possible. If someone leaned that way, Izaya sure could be charming and, more importantly, he knew how to manipulate people, as Kida had experienced himself, possibly even to the extent of having ensnared someone like that. “Is it true that you showed up here to protect him? After everything he’s done? After he killed his own sister?”

“Why are you spreading rumors like that, Masaomi-kun?” Izaya asked, sounding genuinely offended.

“We both know the truth, Izaya.” Kida took out his knife. “It doesn’t matter to me if Heiwajima-san’s on your side or not. I will kill you or die trying.”

Izaya countered Kida’s strike with his own knife. Obviously he could still remember how to use it but his body wasn’t cooperating to the sufficient degree anymore. It would have been a bitter irony for him to be killed in a knife fight without even being much of a challenge but he realized with a sinking feeling that it was also likely.

He lost the hold on his knife under Kida’s blade’s pressure and they all watched it careen away.

Then Kida stabbed him and Shizuo did nothing even as he continued stabbing him several more times.


	13. Chapter 13

None of his earlier deaths had felt this bad, not only because of the physical toll of so many wounds but also because this one was laced with confusion and betrayal.

It was as if Shizuo showed up only to enjoy the show and as if fucking Izaya for weeks meant nothing to him. Or worse, it was just to give him false hope and force him into becoming vulnerable like that.

He lay still long after he woke up on the other side in what amounted to a lake of blood, among the sakura trees that were now bare and menacing in the near darkness of dusk.

He realized what had happened, thinking back to his second encounter with Shizuo at the park but he didn’t know what the change meant.

Mikado approached him and smiled at him.

“It seems you have had a rough time, Orihara-san.”

Izaya grabbed Mikado’s legs and made him fall to the ground enjoying the ease with which he could move here. He punched Mikado in the face, the boy’s delicate features momentarily breaking under his fist and then restoring themselves right back in a fascinating display.

“Don’t ever hit me again.” Mikado hissed, the threat in his voice stopping Izaya from striking him again. “Now, you’re going to tell me what happened. We’re going to think of a way to change things around. You’re going to go back as many times as it takes. Everything’s around here changed already… That makes me hopeful that I will be able to leave.”

“I’m done.” Izaya opposed.

“You will be done when I’m free.”

Then Izaya was back to the moment when he’d lost the hold on his knife.

Then Kida stabbed him.

“Why won’t you help me?” He asked weakly, addressing Shizuo, pressing his hand to the stab wound in his side which was already lethal, the blood soaking through his clothes and onto his hand rapidly.

“I think you really did that, flea. You killed your sister.” Shizuo accused him.

Kida didn’t stab him any more this time around which was a much better outcome.

Izaya was still gone a moment later, the agony overpowering any memories he might have carried over of his final moment other than torment and shame.

When he woke up again Mikado was sitting by his side, looking at him intently.

“I know you and Heiwajima-san had some kind of an encounter.” He offered. “It influenced the surroundings here.”

“It only happened so that he wouldn’t kill me.”

“I’m pretty sure it happened more than once, Orihara-san.” Mikado smiled knowingly, making Izaya want to punch him again.

“And it ended in him standing by while Masaomi killed me.” Izaya growled.

“So it was Masaomi-kun.” Mikado mused.

“Does that make you feel good?” Izaya asked spitefully. 

“Important, I guess.” Mikado confessed. “Though I’m worried for him now because what if he’s caught and will waste the rest of his life away over this. He’s also wrong in that you didn’t cause my death. But you shot your sister in front of him and that must have also influenced his thinking.”

“It was you who made me shoot Kururi.”

“Well, not exactly, Orihara-san. You had the choice of dying over and over again instead of using this as a way out. I hope you understand that. But I don’t think you cared for your sister enough.” He smiled. “On the other hand I think a lesser person would have gotten stuck dying a long time ago. You’re surprisingly resilient, actually. I believe you’ll manage this time around as well. Though I’m worried for Masaomi in that case."

“What happened to ‘let’s stay here together, Orihara-san’?”

“I don’t like the weather anymore.” Mikado shrugged. “Honestly, I think I understand what needs to happen and that makes me feel as if I’m close to being out of here. But I think it won’t help if I tell you. I’m not sure you really want it yet. After all it’s a nifty ability to have to be able to continue living even after your time was due. It’s like immortality, except twisted all wrong. It’s no Valhalla. It’s just surviving.”

“I don’t think you cursed me to grant some kind of a wish I had, Mikado-kun.”

“Sometimes I’m not sure I actually cursed you at all. There might have never been a chance for me to live past the initial suicide. I’m not sure Celty knew what she was really doing either. Maybe your wish for immortality was granted and this was just how it turned out to be. Who knows if it will ever go away just because you don’t want it anymore or if I really have anything to do with it. Though maybe things can change. There was some progress already with how this place was transformed. I’m not sure if you yourself realize it, Orihara-san, but your memories of it are filled with regret. I think maybe that is precisely what makes you go on.”

It was with that bit of useless wisdom that Mikado sent Izaya back to the moment when he had lost the hold on his knife again.

“Did Masaomi tell you how he had broken Kururi’s leg?” Izaya asked, addressing Shizuo.

His hand went to his side, to the exact place where he would have been stabbed and Kida’s knife pierced it instead, getting stuck in it. He cried out in pain and slumped forward but caught himself before he fell. 

“I went there to help her.” He spoke through clenched teeth.

“You’ve shot her instead of helping her.” Kida seethed.

“I should have known it might have happened with how bad my grip was.” Izaya uttered, sounding shockingly heart broken.

Kida’s eyes widened at the realization of what Izaya was implying. He lunged at him, his fist colliding with Izaya’s face, not believing him anyway.

Then he was dragged away from Izaya, his feet losing contact with the ground.

“That’s enough.” Shizuo said, holding him up. “Go away.” 

“He’s lying.” Kida struggled.

“You were lying, too.” Shizuo sounded threatening now and it took a lot of his self-control to put Kida back on the ground without damaging him.

He hoped after all the time spent around him Kida would get the message and just leave.

The kid lingered before picking up Izaya’s knife from the ground and scurrying away. Shizuo doubted he was ever going to show up to work again.

Izaya cradled his damaged hand to his chest, the knife still stuck in it.

“I’ll call Shinra.” Shizuo offered.

“Why did you follow him here?” Izaya asked softly, sliding down to sit on the ground with his back to the wall.

“I wanted to make sure he didn’t get in trouble.” 

“What about me?”

“I didn’t really care.” Shizuo admitted.

“Fine. But don’t ever show up at my place again.” Izaya hissed.

“You should stay quiet now. We’ll talk when you’re no longer hurt.”


	14. Chapter 14

“I’m Kuronuma Aoba, a friend of Anri’s from school. Actually, I’m her kouhai.” The boy introduced himself with a polite smile.

“I’m Mikajima Saki and I’m her friend.”

Aoba knew who she was and what had happened to her exactly but he wasn’t going to let her know that, for obvious reasons. 

“Do you come here often?” Saki inquired, leading the way to Anri’s new room.

“Not really, but I hope it will be more often now that Anri-senpai’s awake.” 

They both stopped when his phone vibrated.

“I’m busy now…” Aoba spoke into the phone and was ready to hang up after that.

“Wait. I’ve seen some crazy shit.” The voice at the other end of the call stopped him. 

“So what was it exactly?” Aoba asked after muttering an apology to Saki.

“We spotted Kida leaving work in the middle of the day so we followed him. Well, we realized Heiwajima Shizuo was also following him so of course the other guys got scared and ran. But I stayed because I thought that was seriously weird. They went all the way to Shinjuku. I had to keep my distance there so I don’t know what happened. I thought I’d lost them both already and I didn’t see Kida again but I’ve seen Heiwajima Shizuo leave the place with Orihara Izaya.”

“You think they all met?”

“It looked that way to me. I just couldn’t get close. Orihara was beaten up, too and I think something might have been wrong with his hand because he kept it covered. I followed them to the place of that underground doctor, Kishitani. You know where that is? They’re still here.”

“Thank you. Invite everyone. I’ll come over in a while. Like I said, I’m busy.” Aoba said before hanging up. “I’m sorry for that.” He addressed Saki and they continued walking towards Anri’s room.

“There is one thing you have to know about.” She stopped him in front of the door. “Anri-chan only woke up yesterday. She doesn’t know yet about Mikado-kun’s suicide. If she asks, tell her he’s had an accident and is in a different hospital.”

Aoba opened the door.

Anri was sitting in her hospital bed, propped up on some pillows. She brightened up when the door opened and didn’t manage to hide her disappointed expression when she realized it was him.

She had been obviously waiting for someone else. Aoba wondered who. Mikado? If she was told lies about him being in a hospital, she wouldn’t have expected him. So, hadn’t Kida visited her yet?

He smiled.

“Kuronuma-kun.” She acknowledged him softly. “It’s good to see you. Thank you for visiting me.”

“You’re welcome, Anri-senpai.” Aoba nodded. “Have you had many visitors already since waking up?”

“No, not really. Actually, it’s just been Saki-chan.”

“Did she tell you about Mikado-kun?” He grew serious.

“Yes. He’s hurt.” 

“He’s dead.”

Anri flinched.

“And while it was officially a suicide, it was Kida-senpai who killed him.”

\---

“Welcome back to Ikebukuro, Izaya-kun. I would have never expected Shizuo-kun of all people to be the one to bring you here.” Shinra said upon entering the room.

“Get to work, Shinra.” Izaya whispered through clenched teeth.

“I’m sorry about your sisters.” Shinra offered.

It took a while to remove the knife and put his pierced through hand back together. Izaya doubted it was ever going to be the same as before, though. He was probably never going to hold a knife again with that hand. It was only fitting that Kida had taken his switchblade as some kind of a souvenir.

“From the sights of it, you’re sure getting hurt a lot lately, Izaya-kun.” Shinra remarked. “Sadly, I was not patching up any of your other recent injuries. It would have been an excellent source of income. Why does it happen, though? Is it because you’re an easy target now?”

Izaya looked down at his hands, one marred with a fading bite mark, the other now covered in a thick layer of bandages.

“It’s just bad luck.”

“Tons of it, apparently. And what’s the matter with Shizuo? Are you two friends now?”

“What did he tell you?”

“That’s a cop out, Izaya-kun.” Shinra pointed out.

“Well, I don’t have friends.” Izaya shrugged.

“That’s a hurtful thing to say to me.” Shinra sighed. “You should stay here for a while until the drugs wear off. Get some painkillers on the way home, too.” He advised before opening the door to leave the room. “Oh, you’re still here, Shizuo-kun.”

Upon laying his eyes on Shizuo, Izaya felt sick with the memory of the pain and the bitter aftertaste of betrayal.

Shizuo was one of the people, or rather creatures, who defied his expectations time and again, from raping him in their teenage years to kicking him while down to letting Kida kill him despite sleeping with him. Izaya realized that even though he’d been calling Shizuo a monster all these years, he’d been constantly misjudging him as someone who would have reacted like a regular human. But apparently Shizuo was a slave to way uglier instincts than even Izaya would have expected, at least when it came to dealing with him. That, he realized, made him both useless for his purposes and way too dangerous to keep around at all.

“What do you want?” He asked spitefully when Shizuo entered the room and Shinra left. “What part of ‘I don’t want to see you ever again’ can’t you understand?” He continued as Shizuo approached, longing for his former ability to get away from him or face him without fear. “Or is it I don’t get a say in when you’re done with me? You let Masaomi stab me. He would have killed me if I didn’t stop it with my hand. It would have already been over for me.”

Shizuo grabbed his shoulders, apparently not bothering to listen to him. 

“You really killed your sister.” He observed menacingly, looking Izaya in the eye.

“I did.” Izaya admitted. “But it was a mistake. I never wanted to kill her. And I’ve already suffered for it a great deal, though I doubt you care. My other sister killed herself in front of my eyes. I...”

“I would have killed you myself if I was sure you did it on purpose.” Shizuo growled.

“Shizu-chan, if you think that I’m such a terrible person then why did you sleep with me? For someone who claims he doesn’t care about me, why do you get so worked up about what I did or didn’t do? Why are you even still around? Why bring me to your beloved Ikebukuro where I’m supposed not to show myself ever again?”

Shizuo’s grip on his shoulders grew painful.

“You’re just a stupid monster.” Izaya whispered as he was pushed down onto the bed. 

This was going to be the last time he let that happen. He decided he was going to be gone the next morning, no matter the curse, Mikado staying stuck where he was forever and the danger that getting killed ever again still presented to him, he was going to leave.

He was not a whore that could be used no questions asked, not even in his current state. His eyes landed on the knife that had been removed from his wound, laying on the table next to him.

He made a dash for it, grabbed it with his uninjured hand and pushed it into Shizuo’s flesh, barely missing his neck. Like always, it got stuck in muscle. Still, rivulets of blood flew down Shizuo’s skin.

Izaya smiled at the sight.

Shizuo grimaced before throwing the knife away. It fell to the floor with a clank. 

He felt strangely satisfied with Izaya’s effort to defy him after weeks of his lifelessness but it was not a good feeling to have. 

As he got closer to him, Izaya’s eyes widened in fear momentarily before he controlled the reaction. 

“Shinra can come in at any moment.” Izaya pointed out, still trying to dissuade Shizuo from the idea of fucking him right there.

Any touch to his hand was excruciatingly painful and it was going to get bumped around.

“Shinra knows anyway.” Shizuo said, not letting him go.

“He knows what?”

Izaya bit his lip to stop himself from screaming in pain when Shizuo turned him around onto his stomach and his hand hit the bed.

“I told him we sleep together.” Shizuo explained, fumbling with both their pants. “Because back in school I told him, too. At the start of high school, we got some booze from somewhere and both got drunk and I told him.”

“What did you tell him?” Izaya tried to concentrate.

“That I’d seen you around and how I thought you looked great and caught my attention more than any girl.” 

Izaya realized there had been something he’d missed. 

Shizuo started stretching him with dry fingers that burned badly.

“But then we met and first thing you did was cut me with your knife. And when you did sleep with me, it was to make fun of me.” Shizuo sounded spiteful. He forced his way inside Izaya’s body hastily. “It made me so angry. I was afraid you would die back then but I couldn’t stop.”

Blood was humming loudly in Izaya’s ears and it was not easy to think. But apparently Shizuo had admitted to having had a crush on him even before they’d met.

“It’s been years ago.” He whispered through clenched teeth.

“But for all those years you never stopped pestering me.” Shizuo sounded angry and his thrusts got forceful. “Any sane person would have long since run away. But not you. You just kept coming back.” 

“I want to go away now.” Izaya said but he didn’t sound convincing even to his own ears. 

Shizuo’s thrusts were making his mind hazy even as they were punctuated by the sharp pain in his hand. Shinra had pumped him full of drugs and it was probably why it was so difficult to focus. Or it was because he had teached that idiot how to make him feel this good.

What had really happened between him and Shizuo back when they’d been in high school… If only he’d figured it out then and used that affection of his wisely. His brains and Shizuo’s brawn would have made them a force to be reckoned with. But it was too late now.

He came all over the bed. 

After the waves of pleasure subsided all that he was left with was the throbbing pain in his hand and the wetness inside him.

Shizuo got up and started putting his clothes back on. He realized his shirt was soaked with blood from the cut but squashed the anger at that for the time.

Izaya realized a part of him must have once known. Maybe Shinra had told him or he’d noticed something weird but one way or another, he used to know. The horror of what had happened next had warped his memory of their encounter at the park but he’d really instigated it because he had once known that Shizuo had had that foolish crush on him. What he didn’t know or didn’t ever want to know again was if he had really meant it as a prank. Because if he hadn’t, the pain must have been unimaginable.

It was with his memory coming back that he felt the fleeting presence of Mikado with that knowing smile of his he would have gladly wiped off his face with a punch. Then he was gone like the light of an extinguished candle.

And that was it. He had his freedom.

“Why did you tell me now?” Izaya asked breathlessly before sitting up and attempting to clean himself up and get dressed with one hand, to no avail.

Shizuo shrugged. He was already regretting having divulged such sensitive information about himself to someone like Izaya.

“You have to help me with this.” Izaya looked up at him expectantly.

Shizuo hesitated before helping him get dressed because he didn’t want him to bother Shinra or do something weird.

“Is Celty home? Have you seen her?” Izaya asked him after he was done.

“What do you want from her?” Shizuo was starting to get suspicious of the subtle change in Izaya’s demeanor. He seemed to have been rejuvenated in mysterious ways. 

His pliability that Shizuo had already gotten used to was gone and only then did Shizuo realize it hadn’t been there before either. Izaya had never been afraid of him except during the period of time that had already ended. 

Shizuo felt repulsed at himself for his disappointment in Izaya slipping out of his control like that. He needed to smoke to think clearly. But he wasn’t going to do that at Shinra’s place so he left the room and headed to the exit of the building.

Izaya got out of bed, nearly losing his footing when he got up, his body having been through too much on that day, and left the room holding onto walls. 

He went to look for Celty, searching for confirmation of what had happened, though he felt as if he already knew.

Conveniently, she was right outside the door, without her helmet on.

“It’s over for Mikado.” She showed Izaya a message on her phone she must have typed before.

“What about me?”

“It’s possible you’re mortal again. There’s only one way to really find out.” Celty typed another message. “But that’s the default human condition not to know what happens after one’s own death beforehand.”

He welcomed even this chance of mortality back with relief.

“There’s trouble, too. Gang members are gathering around the exit of the building.” She typed another message. “I think they are here for you. Do you want to hire me?”

“Which gang?”

“Actually, that’s getting taken care of.” She typed, the wisps of her shadow outstretching outside where Shizuo was now beating up the Blue Squares for looking suspicious and because of his ruined shirt.

It’d been awhile since Shizuo had last done that and he had to admit the bones breaking under his fists felt great. Even though that was not what he might have liked to feel.

“Where’s Kuronuma? What is the plan?” The gang members muttered among themselves frantically, attempting to mount some resistance and failing.

Soon enough, all of them were either unconscious, incapacitated or had run away.

Shizuo surveyed the damage satisfactorily. 

Once he smoke his cigarette in peace in front of the building and went back to Shinra’s place, Izaya was already gone.

\---

When Kida showed up to visit Anri she told him they couldn’t be friends anymore and asked him and Saki to leave. 

Then she went to another room and took a seat, her eyes glowing red.

Initially, she was truly sorry about having had cut Aoba. She would have never done something like that if she didn’t need the knowledge in his head so badly.

But she just had to be certain if he was telling the truth and the blade slid out of her hand before she could even properly think. 

She figured cutting someone at the hospital was not even that dangerous since he was going to receive medical attention quickly and have a good recovery.

But it didn’t work out so great because she had no idea what to tell the medical staff and because Aoba had now been unconscious for nearly a week despite the cut itself being minor.

It was her mistake. But then it became her choice.

Aoba’s mind was something different than what she might have expected. Having been in a coma herself for so long she didn’t know about Orihara sisters’ death. She got to know through his memories of seeing Kururi’s death and encountering Mairu on the day she’d died.

Upon inadvertently unearthing the memory of Kururi dying while Aoba held her hand, her pulse weakening under his fingers, she was swept over by memories of her own parents’ death. 

Overwhelmed by memories and the emptiness left over by Mikado dying, the twins dying, her in a coma, everyone gone. Then back to the memories of the twins while alive. Steering through these to even get to the truth about Mikado was a challenge because Aoba’s mind was stuck reminiscing desperately. What she ended up finding out in his mind was no confirmation of Kida having killed Mikado. Even Aoba himself didn’t believe that. It was an attempt at manipulation. She recoiled at the ugliness of these thoughts.

The hate for Kida was breathtaking. It hung like a haze over Aoba’s memories of Kida breaking Kururi’s leg and holding her while she was dying. 

She didn’t think it was wise to hate anyone so much. But nonetheless she decided she couldn’t be friends anymore with Kida after what he’d done.

She brushed against even deeper darkness but she didn’t dare approach. There was the man who had killed Kururi. There was Aoba's brother. And there was the madness within.

Aoba wasn’t waking up. A part of Anri no longer regretted having cut him. She knew the world was better off with a being like him gone.

Saika’s whispers in his head were lulling him to sleep for weeks.

\---

“I don’t think Kida-kun’s coming back after all.” Tom admitted when he and Shizuo arrived for work yet again and Kida was not there.

“I told you as much.” Shizuo commented with a shrug.

“You could tell me what exactly happened when you both left work in the middle of the day that was so bad that he was just not going to show up ever again. He hasn’t even called.”

“I told you it was not a good idea to hire him.”

“I guess.” Tom sighed.

After work, Shizuo grew restless, just like on every one of the previous days and couldn’t help but make his daily trip to Yokohama only to stand in front of Izaya’s door, ringing the bell persistently, until he got tired of it and left.

He didn’t expect things to be any different this time around but they were. When he showed up, the door was open wide and some men were carrying paper boxes full of stuff out of Izaya’s place.

So that was it. The flea had moved out. 

Shizuo stopped by the door and took a glance inside the empty apartment when he spotted a glimpse of the familiar figure in a wheelchair inside.

“Shizu-chan.” Izaya acknowledged him with a polite smile. “Come in.”

He was wearing all black clothes and black gloves that hid the bandages on his injured hand.

“Why are you using this thing again?” Shizuo huffed, pointing to the wheelchair, unable to think of anything else he could say.

He wondered if Izaya knew he had been coming over these past few days, too, before deciding he certainly knew, being him.

“It’s an excellent excuse not to help anyone carry anything heavy, I guess? No, actually, I’m a disabled man anyway and don’t have to carry anything.” Izaya smiled though the smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Did you show up here to help me move, Shizu-chan? That’s too bad because I won’t trust you with my things anyway.”

“Where are you moving?” 

“Somewhere you won’t find me.” Izaya grew serious. “Besides, I don’t like this place anymore. The memories of Mairu killing herself here are too much, I guess. And I don’t like you coming here every day, disturbing my evenings, scaring my guests.”

Shizuo’s fists clenched.

“Isn’t this what you wanted, Shizu-chan? For me to be gone from your life, either by killing me or chasing me away? You succeeded at the latter. I’m going away. It’s much too dangerous for me to stay in this city anyway. The gang members you’ve beaten up in front of Shinra’s place were there for me again. You’re here every day and you’re a man who nearly killed me on multiple occasions.”

“Why would you be here if you knew that was the time I showed up?” Shizuo asked.

“I’m just supervising the move.” Izaya answered with a smile. “But in case you showed up I guess it was to taunt you with me leaving, like back in the old times, consequences be damned.”

“I hate you, flea.”

“I hate you, too, Shizu-chan.”

And he meant it, his eyes becoming clouded with the memories of all the times Shizuo had nearly killed him or actually murdered him before he’d managed to change the course of events.

He got up from the wheelchair, catching the eye of all the men packing up his stuff around them. Shizuo understood in that moment why Izaya had chosen to use it at that time, as he was clearly reveling in the astonishment of people around him at the fact he could actually walk. 

He walked up to Shizuo with a limp, all slim limbs, black clothes and gleaming red eyes, still heartbreakingly similar to the boy who had caught Shizuo’s attention all these years ago, and pressed a kiss to his lips that got heated quickly.

Shizuo briefly considered throwing everyone out of this place and having his way with him but that would have been overdoing it. He willed himself to let him go. Izaya withdrew with a self-assured smile.

“Don’t ever look for me again.” He whispered, clearly meaning it as a threat, his eyes cold and deadly.

The last of the boxes were being carried out.

Izaya walked out through the front door, leaving the wheelchair behind.

One of the men pushed it out of the room.

The place was now completely empty.

Shizuo left as well and went back to Ikebukuro.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sequel is called 'Stages of Grief'.


End file.
